


Military Dog

by cissoye



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Canon Compliant, Edward Elric - Freeform, Emotional torment, GRAPHIC DEPICTION, Gets Happier Later, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Ishbal | Ishval, M/M, Mental Anguish, Original Male Character - Freeform, Power Imbalance, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Team Mustang - Freeform, To some extend, War, War Is Ugly And Dirty, You figured it with the Ishbal Chapter, this isn't a happy story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2018-12-21 08:50:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11940621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cissoye/pseuds/cissoye
Summary: It wasn't only the horror of war that left Roy traumatized and suicidal. War was one horror in itself- ugly, bloody and painful.Dealing with that was already an ordeal, but then, a man who should have been supportive, should have been trustworthy turns into a nightmare, and Roy is trapped between his loyalty to the military and his survival instincts.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A take on Roy's time in Ishbal. It can be considered AU, though it follows canon. Of course, Spoilers Alert.  
> This One-Shot will deal with Rape and Abuse in a military environment. Please, read at your own discretion.

Days in Ishbal were never pleasant. It was a wonder how its inhabitants could have settled there, in the middle of all this sand and dust. Roy, like many others, nourished strong negative feelings for the area, though at this point he couldn't tell if the war influenced him or not. He would say yes, though he was never fond of too hot places -despite his specialty.

Soldiers' talk were often about that -how much they hated this forsaken place and couldn't wait to go home. Roy couldn't wait either, though now nothing would never be the same. Not after killing so many people. Not after committing so many atrocities. State Alchemists were deployed in Ishbal for only a month, and Roy already hated it. Hated to use the alchemy that was supposed to protect people. Hated to be such a destructive weapon. Hated to exist in this place and time, for all he brought was desolation, pain and horror.

The war was taking its toll on everyone, no matter how thrilled one could seem to be about it. No soldier sent on the front could come back whole, like they used to be before the massacre. Roy could already feel it. Feel this empty part in him he couldn't even name anymore. This month of continued combat -slaughter- had taken something from him, and it left him dull and numbed, in a way to protect himself from any other more destructive and painful emotions.

War was war. Its mean was to kill and conquer, which Roy was perfectly aware of. No matter how naive he could be, or could have been, he knew what becoming a Military Dog meant. He knew death and pain would follow like the plague -but he never expected for it to have such impact on him.

Wars were supposed to be fought by soldiers. Ishbal's one didn't feel much like it. Roy had the impression to be chasing defenseless people who, in any other places, wouldn't have been considered targets. Annihilating an entire population was never part of the deal. Slaughtering innocent women and children wasn't what he had signed up for. Roy could still hear this little boy's cries as his mother was burnt alive before his eyes. The orders were simple : exterminate the threat. A group of Ishbalans was spot and as the Flame Alchemist his job was to eradicate the problem.

By now, Roy wasn't thinking anymore about the orders. Just executing them. It made things easier. Easier to do. If he was thinking, Roy knew obeying wouldn't be that simple. So he wasn't. He wasn't thinking and just doing what was asked from him.

That was his duty, as a soldier. His job was to fight and kill and protect his country -though like many, he couldn't see the threat in a two years old. He was just not thinking about it, most of the time.

It was an easy task, as long as he had a job to do. But at night, when everything quieted down and everyone disappeared in the relative intimacy of their tent, memories were flooding. Sensations were coming back. Feelings were growing. And pain was throbbing. Pain for acts he never thought himself capable of. Pain for horrors he still had a hard time believing he committed.

Like killing this little boy's mother before his eyes -before irreducibly killing him, too. Burning his small, innocent body until no more sound was heard and only carbonized flesh was left.

The screams were the hardest to ignore. One could close his eyes on the terror of their victims. They could close their eyes on the people they were killing, pretend they weren't there. But it was harder to block the sounds out. And the smell.

Gosh, the smell had to be the worst in fact. It always stunk so bad. The burnt flesh was something he would never be able to forget, and after only a month, Roy already couldn't bear the sight of meat anymore. He couldn't bear the smell or the sound it made when cooking. Not that they had many opportunities to eat anything but rations. But on some occasions, to celebrate (Roy hated it) food was brought and meat was cooked.

Maes didn't even make a joke about Roy's vegetarian plate, though he could have. Knowing his friend, it felt weird he didn't. But then, he realized he must know. Know about him. About his doings and specialty.

Roy didn't know why he felt so disgusted by himself at such fact and tried his hardest to push away the feeling.

“Mustang, everything okay ?” Colonel Terrence Vall's voice boomed in the quietness of the tent, startling Roy out of his thoughts.

Tensing up on the cot, his gaze still lost in the distance, he listened to his Commanding Officer's approaching footsteps and sucked in a slow breath.

He wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone, let alone talk. Maybe he was brooding, but who cared ? He considered it his right once his duty accomplished to lose himself in the darkness of his mind, no matter how much he hated himself afterward.

“Is something wrong ?” Colonel Vall sat on the cot, looking over at Roy with furrowed brows.

“No sir. Everything's okay.” A silence followed, then the man's heavy hand fell on his shoulder.

“War is a bitch, son. No one will hold it against you for not feeling okay.”

“I'm fine, sir.” Though he appreciated the man's gesture, Roy couldn't accept it, nor show how affected he could be.

It wasn't professional, wasn't expected from a trained soldier, and even less a State Alchemist.

“I heard what you did today.” Roy tensed up, the little boy's screams echoing in his ears to the point of piercing his eardrums.

He almost grimaced at the phantom pain.

“You handled the situation like a champ, Major.” He could hear the appreciation in the Colonel's voice, but he couldn't bring himself to be flattered. “Despite everything, you're at the top of your game, and that's what matters here.”

Roy nodded, numbed.

He knew that. Knew nothing mattered as long as his flames kept killing and destroying and the Ishbal population kept diminishing. And it was what hurt. It hurt to think what a powerful weapon he was to this war. To know without him, not so many people would have died already.

He tried his best to ignore the murmurs and conversations, but unlike eyes, he couldn't close his ears. He heard them talk about the increasing number of Ishbalans' death. He hated to know he was so efficient, and even more to hear the admiration in other's voices. What he was doing… it was nothing to be admired. Feared, yes. Despised, yes.

Condemned, absolutely. But not admired, or praised.

This was not what alchemy was supposed to be for, and Roy still couldn't bring himself to deal with such fact. He would have all the time to, once back home.

A shiver crossed his back at the thought.

Home.

It sounded like such a strange concept and place at the right moment. Like a far land everyone dreamed about but never managed to reach. A sanctuary, safe from everything and covet by everyone. The longing for home was growing painful with every passing day, and for not being one to have any particular attachment for his city, Roy couldn't deny he missed home.

The weight of Vall's hand on his back pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Is there something I can do for you, Major ? Anything that could make you feel a little better ?”

Roy shook his head, the ghost of a derisive smile playing on his lips.

“There's nothing we can do about it. Just bide our time until it's all over.”

Vall breathed a smile, patting Roy's back.

“It shouldn't be long again, son. We'll go back home soon.”

Roy nodded, again, having no words in return.

 

**:::**

 

Nightmares were recurrent in such time. War was made of horrors, and horrors brought nightmares. Roy was plagued with them for the past week -ever since he burnt this little boy alive.

The shriek of agony rang in his head and rumbled his insides, making him sick in his stomach and terrified. Terrified of such horror. Terrified of his power. Terrified of himself.

A carbonized small, dismantled form lunged at him, and Roy's mouth opened in a scream he never managed to get out.

This thing was coming at him. It was going to touch him. It was going to hurt him. Its ugly, horrifying burnt body was bent at weird angles, the blackened hand stretched out in his direction making Roy's blood run cold in his veins.

_No. No… Don't come near me ! Stay away from me._

The piercing scream of agony distorted in such demonic way that Roy thought for a second the devil itself had came for him.

_Don't. Please. Leave me alone… I'm sorry._

The small form's mouth was deformed by an inhuman smile taking almost all its face, and Roy just had time to notice blood on its teeth before it came snapping at him.

Jolting awake in a gasp of terror, Roy trembled, the sweat on his body cooling his skin too much, to the point he felt cold and lost. There was a putrid, disgusting taste blocked at the back of his mouth, and no matter how much he swallowed it didn't go away.

It was like he was tasting his work, and he felt like throwing up.

The broken burnt body of the little boy flashed through his mind, and Roy shivered.

The boy couldn't have been more than four, and at this instant, with his red eyes wide in terror every monsters of his dreams had materialized in the form of Roy Mustang. He had saw the horror in the boy's eyes, on his face. It was contorted in a way no child's face should be -and it haunted Roy's dreams. Up to this piercing scream echoing in his skull and rendering him deaf to everything else.

“Mustang, everything okay here ?” Colonel Vall appeared before him, sitting on the cot, concerned eyes leveled on him.

Roy shivered, not sure what to do. He was still partially trapped in the remain of his nightmare, haunted by images and sounds making him sick in his stomach. There was so many screams in it. So many dying people. The burning fire not loud enough to cover their complaints, though it was loud enough to convey its horror to Roy.

_What have I done ?_

“Major.” Vall's voice turned sharper, the man's hand clamping in the crook of Roy's neck in an attempt to bring him back to present.

Dark, shadowed eyes blinked and found their way to the Colonel's piercing greens. His respiration, still shallow, regained a more regular rhythm. The Colonel's gaze used as an anchor point into reality -though reality didn't feel much better than nightmares.

“I-” He wasn't sure what he wanted to say, but he couldn't deny this growing shame for being caught in such weak and pathetic state.

“It's okay Major.” Vall smiled, and though Roy didn't relax -he couldn't- he appreciated it. “It's okay.” The man pushed him back on the cot, his powerful hand on his chest guiding him almost forcefully back down. “Just relax, it's okay.”

 _No it's not._ Roy wanted to tell him that, wanted to scream it, but he couldn't. His throat was closed tight to the point it hurt, and swallowing proved itself harder than it should.

The Colonel's soothing voice was like a lullaby softening Roy's mind and chasing away the remains of painful nightmares. His ears seemed full by the man's voice, as his hand on Roy's chest kept rubbing in comfort.

“Shh, shh. It's okay Major.” He kept saying, though Roy wasn't sure why, not in such kind of time. “It's okay.”

“Colonel !” He gasped, snapping his eyes open and grabbing the arm moving down his body, under the cover.

Vall smiled, this soothing, comforting smile, and Roy felt his breath catch in his throat.

What was going on ?

“Hey, it's okay son.”

“No, I-”

“Shh.” Vall pushed his stiff body back down on the cot, pressing him against it. “It's okay Roy, it's okay.”

“No, what-” Roy froze, his senses set on alert.

_What's going on ?_

“Colonel,” He gritted his teeth and grabbed the man's arm tighter. “Stop.” He grounded out, his dark eyes piercing through the older man. “Stop it !” He pushed on the arm harder, straightening up on the cot.

The Colonel's face darkened, his amiable expression morphing into one of displeasure.

“Stay down, boy !” He said, using his free hand to press against Roy's collarbone and pin him down on the cot. “It's an order.” Roy froze, looking up into the man's eyes in hope to find the lie in them. “That's it.” He said, smiling, when Roy's grip slackened on his arm. “Just relax boy, and it'll be okay.”

Roy's fingers twitched, the pumping terror taking him at the guts screaming at him to snap and get this man off of him.

“What, are you going to burn me ?” Vall grinned, chuckling softly. “Come on Mustang, you don't even have your gloves on.”

Realization hit Roy in the sternum, stealing his breath, and glimpsing down at his hands, he felt terrified by their bareness.

“Besides,” The man shifted, and before Roy could blink the man was sitting on him, his weight pinning him down. “I'm your Commanding Officer.” He clacked his tongue. “It wouldn't look good on your file if you did anything to me.”

Roy shuddered, horrified by such truth.

“Over will be your dreams of power. Over will be your opportunity to be part of the higher ranks. You'll just be another traitor waiting for death in a cold, dark cell -forgotten from everyone.” Vall's smile was nothing kind anymore, the threat behind it freezing Roy in place. “Is that what you want, Major ?” The Colonel's breath hit his face like a slap, snapping him out of his stupor and gripping him into the cruel reality. “I can make your life a living hell Mustang, if you tempt me to.”

Roy searched the man's face, trying to understand the motive behind such behavior. Trying to find answers to this madness.

But just like war, it seemed to have none.

“Why ?” He managed through the clamp of his throat, and Vall grinned, this feral, victorious grin he always had after a successful mission.

“Why, do you ask ?” He made a show of thinking about it, before falling over Roy, pressing his body against his. “Why do you think ?” He grinded against him, and Roy's eyes widened in horror, his body growing rigid in disbelieve.

“Why would you...” He tried, but Vall's hand was pressing closer to his throat and making it harder to breathe.

“You're so powerful, Mustang.” He said, like a confidence, and Roy, quite futilely, tried to get away from the face coming closer to his. “I'm not sure you realize what power you hold in your hands,” He grinned. “Literally.” He shifted against Roy who couldn't help tense up more. “What you do, this is magnificent.” The green eyes danced with something maniacal, the desire and profound appreciation making Roy's skin crawl. “With just a snap of your fingers,”

Vall took Roy's hand and put it against the cot beside his head. He couldn't help shiver at the thumb rubbing into his palm and against his fingers, almost like… like a lover.

“You're special, Roy.” He said, meeting the dark, frightened eyes. “You're so special that I want to possess you. Such precious, destructive weapon.” The adoration in the man's voice felt misplaced with such words, and forgetting how to breathe, Roy laid still as Colonel Vall brushed a hand in his hair, like one in a doll's, and leaned closer to press his cheek against his and bury his face in his neck, kissing his skin.

Roy was at a loss, unable to move and think, overwhelmed by the situation and repulsed by the lips on him.

Despite the horror of war, this wasn't something he had expected. Nor even think about. This wasn't part of war. Wasn't part of a Military Dog's duty. It didn't belong here, or anywhere really, and Roy didn't know how to deal with it.

This man on him, blanketing him with his body and suffocating him with his weight was nothing he was trained for. At the academy, they never mentioned dealing with such kind of behaviors, though Roy's instincts screamed at him to just fight it dammit and get this man off of him.

He couldn't.

It wasn't any kind of man. It wasn't just a man. It was his Commanding Officer, his superior, a Colonel. He outranked him in any ways, and Roy, in all his youthfulness, didn't know what to do. Life hadn't taught him about this, though he wasn't that naive and was perfectly aware of crimes around the country.

This never occurred to him it could happen, in the middle of the war, on a military camp, in the intimacy of a tent, at the hands of a superior -but most importantly, it never occurred to him he could fall victim of such perversity.

These things didn't happen to men. It shouldn't happen to women, either, but it was, and everyone was aware of it. Everyone knew to protect the women of their life. They knew the risk, knew it could happen, would happen, if one wasn't careful.

But not to a man. Not to _him._

Though he was more a boy than a man, it still wasn't supposed to happen.

“Sir,” He tried, attempting to gather enough strengths to push the Colonel away. But he was so much bigger, so much heavier.

He was the man Roy wasn't just yet.

Roy's weakness slapped him in the face, and for a moment he felt like a little boy, trapped in the claws of a monster ready to devour him alive.

_Just like this little boy I burnt alive._

The thought knocked the air out of his lungs, and gasping, he squirmed under the Colonel, trying to get away. His free hand pushed against the man's too strong side -it was like pressing against a brick wall. His legs tried to escape the tightness of the blanket over them, trapping them in place. His taut body tried its hardest to get free, without doing anything wrong against his superior.

The thought felt surreal, but it was the truth. Roy Mustang couldn't bring himself to do anything hurtful against his Commanding Officer in fear of the consequences.

What consequences ? Wouldn't it be better than what this man was intending to do to him ?

He could be court-martial, could be arrested, could be sent to jail, could be demoted, could be fired. He could lose everything he had worked so hard for toward his goal and he couldn't bring himself to do so.

Vall's hand found its way into Roy's briefs, and he couldn't believe he was surprised by it. As if he hadn't felt it on his body all this time. As if he didn't know where it was going.

He must have been lost in deep thoughts if the hand managed to take him aback.

“Relax Mustang,” He said against his skin, his lips and tongue exploring his neck and shoulder.

He hated it. He hated it, hated it, hated it.

But why wasn't he doing anything about it ? He should fight back, though he didn't have his gloves, he should do something.

“Stop !” He groaned, grabbing the arm down his pants and twisting the best he could under the man. Trying to get free, or some leverage. “Stop it !” He snapped when the hand wrapped around him.

Vall stiffened and looked up from the crook of his neck, ever so menacing.

“What is it Mustang, are you defying a superior officer ?” Roy hated the fact military rules and protocols had such effect on him. “I want you to lay still and take it, Major ! This is an order.”

Roy felt the colors drain from his face, the dilemma in his mind making him sick in his stomach. Because no matter how much he wanted this man off of him, he couldn't bring himself to really try. As if military consequences had more weight than anything this man could do to him.

This was crazy. Roy couldn't believe it, couldn't believe how far he could go for this damn goal of his. Did he have no pride, no moral, no value ? Was he really just a weapon to be used, an object to the military ? It made him sick to think like that, but it was how it started to feel.

As if, as long as it didn't get in the way of his ascension, he would do and take anything. Even the most shameful, humiliating, degrading, immoral and reprehensible things.

Roy was disgusted with himself.

 

The worst had to be he felt pleasure. No matter how much he didn't want to be touched by the man, he still grew hard, and came. The shame and humiliation coming with such orgasm was nothing he would ever be able to forget, and as much as he hated Vall at the right moment, he hated himself more for just letting this man touch him in such intimate way.

“Here you go, Roy-boy,” The Colonel's smile was despicable as he patted Roy's face and wiped his hand clean on his uniform. “Feel better ?” The glare Vall got in return made him laugh, and Roy hated the man more for that. “Don't look at me like that Mustang, you enjoyed it.”

The words stung and made Roy look away, if only in shame. In shame of the truth. In shame to have enjoyed it, even in its most twisted way.

“Try to get some sleep son, we've got a long day ahead of us.”

Colonel Vall got off the cot, freeing Roy from his body. The sudden loss of warmth made him shiver, and feeling pathetic and miserable, Roy curled on his side, his back to the man.

He was feeling like crying. The pain was greater than it should, for something as simple as a handjob. It was nothing, barely intimate, considering everything else Vall could have done to him. But it still hurt, deep inside, to have been controlled and manipulated in such way. He should have been able to resist it. Should have do something against it, instead of just lying there and taking it.

Like a good little dog.

**::::**

Snapping his finger didn't feel as hard as usual. The anger inhabiting him was relishing in the sensation of snapping and burning everything in his sight. To Roy's horror, it even felt good, at some point. It felt good to burn into ashes entire buildings while the flames danced at his will.

On the battlefield, he was nothing more than the Flame Alchemist. He had no more meaning than destroy everything before him to accomplish the mission. And it felt good, at this time, to be able to think about nothing but how to burn his target.

A gunshot in his back startled him, his hand jerking down as if he was caught doing something wrong.

He was doing something wrong.

A look down let him take in the side of the Ishbalan body laying in a growing pool of blood. A bullet straight through the skull.

Glancing up, he spotted Hawkeye's position without really seeing her and breathed a smile of relief.

Count on her to watch his back.

 

“You should be more careful, sir.” She said, walking alongside him with her canteen in hand. “If I hadn't been here, he would have sneaked up on you and killed you.”

Roy couldn't help think, for a flicker of a second, that it wouldn't have been so bad. Then he smiled, easing the tension from his body and meeting Riza's eyes.

“That's why I'm so lucky to have you, Riza.” Despite the visible discomfort in her body language, Riza still nodded, hiding a smile.

“You seem distracted today, sir.” She said, and Roy stiffened. “Are you okay ?”

They both knew the answer to this question, though they never gave a truthful one.

“I'm fine.” He was far from fine, every single ones of them were far from fine, but today, Roy felt like he had reached a particular level of not fine.

 _Get over it !_ It wasn't like anything that bad happened. He was old enough to handle a handjob, for fuck's sake. What kind of cry baby got so worked up about getting a free handjob, though getting one from his Commanding Officer was never on Roy's to do list.

He should be able to deal with that. Besides, it had felt good, in a way. Roy should focus on that, he tried to do so ever since he was awake -but the most he tried to convince himself of that, the sicker he felt.

“Oi, Roy-boy ! I heard Riza saved your ass again.” Chuckling, Maes wrapped an arm around Roy's shoulders and leaned against him, way too amused by such fact. “At this rate, she's gonna own it.” Both Riza and Roy glared at Maes, and he laughed, ignoring the deadly stares as they sat down for their lunch-break. “I heard about your exploit too.” He whistled, impressed. “An entire district on your own, that's what I call efficiency.”

Roy couldn't bring himself to smile.

“Vall couldn't stop bragging about you I heard.” Roy didn't mean to tense up, but it was stronger than him. “And my Flame Alchemist here, and my Flame Alchemist there. You would think he loves you.” He chuckled, but what was supposed to be a joke hit too close to home for Roy's comfort. “Roy, you okay ?”

He jerked his head in the affirmative, trying to hold down the little content of his stomach.

Thinking he still had yet to eat. The only thought made him sick.

A hand on his shoulder made his body stiffen, and looking over at Maes, he felt ridiculous and pathetic at such reaction.

“Buddy, you're sure you're okay ? You look a little pale.”

Roy huffed a smile, a laugh muffling itself in his throat. “I'm always pale.”

A soft, concerned smile broke Maes' face. “I mean, more than usual.” He squeezed Roy's shoulder, trying to share all the support and comfort he could through such little gesture. “You should eat something.”

Roy felt like grimacing at the only thought.

“I don't feel like it.” He admitted, Riza and Maes' eyes on him making him almost squirm.

He waited for a beat, expecting unwanted insistence, but none of them pushed the matter, and he was glad for that.

 

 

Night came with a vicious feeling of anxiety. The only thought of returning to camp, to his tent- He didn't want to feel so scared, but he had no control over the emotion. He didn't know what to do if Vall was coming at him again, and he was terrified of anything more happening. He didn't want to undergo anything more.

What happened was too much already.

Roy breathed out in relief when he entered the empty tent. Colonel Vall was still busy discussing with other higher officers it seemed, and Roy caught himself wishing the man wouldn't come back. Though he knew he would -where else would he go, really, besides his tent. If Roy had thought, at first, that sharing a tent with his Commanding Officer would be a good opportunity to work on his network and get good points for future promotions -now, he could only despise it.

If only he wasn't so important to the army, he would be in a tent with ten other soldiers, discussing the night away and not worrying about being alone with a man he couldn't do anything against.

Shrugging his coat off, Roy got himself a cup of water and scanned his surroundings. The tent wasn't big, but quite enough for two people. Vall's cot in the corner across from him was neat, the blanket fold at the feet. He always admired such trait in the man, admired how perfect everything seemed about him.

Sighing, Roy looked away and unbuttoned his blue jacket. He was dying to get a good, long shower to get ride of this unpleasant grating feeling of sand dried in sweat on his skin. He was feeling dirty, sticky and exhausted.

A hot shower would have been heaven.

But it was the middle of the desert, with nothing but sand and dust for kilometers. Roy guessed he could have go take a shower, under this too thin jet of cold water behind a curtain at the back of the camp. But he was too tired to move, and frankly, the only thought of such excuse of a shower annoyed him.

With a forearm on his eyes, he fell laid on his back, his feet planted to the floor on each side of the cot, and tried to relax.

 

He must have doze off, because next thing he knew was a hand grabbing his wrist as his eyes snapped open and a silent gasp escaped him. He was too slow to react, and in retrospective, he was glad for that, as Vall grabbed his other hand and squeezed it down against the cot.

“Thinking about snapping at me, Mustang ?” The taunting smile was unnerving, but not as much as the fact of being taken by surprise.

He should have been more aware. Should have heard the man arrive, instead of startling awake at the sensation of someone picking at his gloved hand.

“Colonel.” He said, acknowledging the man.

Vall's smile grew, morphing into a predatory smirk.

“I'd think you were expecting me.”

He wasn't, not really. Roy hadn't even noticed he didn't take his gloves off, he just… forgot, he guessed.

Or maybe feeling them on his hands was enough to make him feel safe.

“Were you, Mustang ?” The Colonel leaned closer, putting more pressure on Roy's hands who had to restrain a grimace of pain.

“No sir.” It wasn't a lie, though Vall didn't seem to believe him.

“You don't mind then-” He pushed himself away, releasing Roy at once. “-if I ask you to take your gloves off.”

Roy blinked, snapped out of his stupor, and looked up at his superior. Fists clenching.

“It's an order, Major.” He added when Roy failed at obeying, and swallowing, he sat up on the cot, looked down at his hands and took his gloves off.

Once them gone, it was like he had stripped naked, and the feeling was far from pleasant.

“Hand them over.”

Roy's head snapped up in surprise. “Sir ?”

Narrowing his eyes, Vall's posture straightened, the muscles in his forearms flexing.

“Your gloves.” Roy swallowed passed the tightness of his throat, feeling trapped and strangely vulnerable. “Give them to me, Roy.”

He didn't have a choice, the Colonel made it clear, and standing up, Roy handed his gloves, the reluctance of the gesture clear in every movement.

“That's a good boy.” Roy stiffened, glaring at an invisible spot before him. “Now,” Vall slapped the white gloves in his palm before shoving them in his back pocket, grinning. “Why don't you sit with me.” The heavy hand fell on Roy's shoulder, but he resisted, refusing to move. “Sit down, boy.” The groan was threatening, and as much as Roy tried to stay on his feet, Vall's strengths surpassed his.

They sat with their back to the tent's entrance, the position a sick reproduction of last week's, when Roy was brooding and the Colonel wasn't such a perverted frightening man.

“You made me proud today, I hope you know that.” Roy forced himself to nod and swallow the unpleasant taste in his mouth. “What you did today, it was art. You burnt everything down to ashes without even a blink.” He squeezed Roy's shoulder harder and leaned closer, breathing in his scent. “You smell like destruction.”

A tongue pressing against his neck and licking up to his ear made him freeze, and sucking in a breath, he tried to control the growing shivers in his body along the painful urge to get away.

“You taste amazing.” He buried his nose in Roy's black hair and sniffed -like a beast sniffing its prey. “Oh~ all I could do to you.” He tightened his grip in the crook of Roy's neck and pulled him closer -as if to prevent him to escape. “You drive me crazy, boy.”

Roy's heart hammered in his chest, sending more blood into every part of his body for this uncontrollable need he had to RUN.

Vall's free hand clamped on his knee, as the man kept him close, his forehead against his head and his respiration growing heavier.

Roy felt sick. He felt sick and desperate and if he had had his gloves he would have snapped.

Certainly why Vall took them away.

“Roy,” He breathed against his ear, his hand moving up the inside of his leg.

Roy's body turned rigid in horror as this man felt him and breathed against him. It was disgusting. It was wrong. He didn't want it, but he was frozen in place.

“Colonel Vall !” The urgent, breathless voice was their only warning before the tent flapped open and Vall pulled away, as if burnt.

The young soldier at the tent's entrance stood frozen for a second, blinking. Roy didn't dare look back at him and just sat with his back at the kid, praying he wouldn't be recognized.

As if he wouldn't. Everyone knew who's tent this was, and Roy felt terrified at the idea the kid would say anything about what he saw. Whatever it was.

Still frozen in place, Roy felt Vall stand up, patting him on the shoulder as the mentor he once was. Roy was enraged. For a second, he imagined himself grabbing this damn hand and twisting it until it broke and detached from this fucking bastard.

The Colonel walked pass him, heading to the young soldier at the tent's entrance.

“What is it ?” He asked, sounding oh so pleasant, like always.

Roy hated him. He hated him and wanted him dead.

“Colonel ! There was a problem with the replenishment trucks. It was attacked, five of our men are dead.”

Roy felt the heaviness of such news fall over him, making his shoulders slag, and closing his eyes, he prayed for these poor guys.

_How many more will have to die before this madness stops ?_

Roy couldn't take it anymore.

“What about the rest ?”

“They managed to escape, but they're trapped in the mountains. The Ishbalans are on their trail.”

“What about the trucks, how many did we lose ?”

“One truck was burnt, the two others are lost to the enemy.”

Roy knew what it meant even before he was addressed. Despite his exhaustion, he was relieved and hated himself for looking forward to the upcoming mission.

“Let's go Major.” Gone was the lecherous attitude and back was the Colonel.

Standing up, Roy put his coat back on, patting his pockets in search of his gloves. He remembered Vall had them only when the man appeared in his line of sight, handing them back.

“Time to shine, Roy-boy.” Roy had to restrain himself from punching this fucking grin off this fucking man's face.

 

The rescue mission turned into a recovering one. Vall decided, after seeing how tricky the mountains could be in the night, to go after the Ishbalans stealing their trucks instead of looking for their men.

For not being one to question orders, Roy couldn't keep it quiet this time.

“Are you discussing my orders, Major ?”

“-no sir, it's just,” Vall glared at him, promising him punishment for his behavior.

“Major, unless you've forgotten, I am your Commanding Officer, and as so, you have to obey me.”

“Yes sir,” Roy didn't know why he couldn't shut up, but they couldn't abandon their men like that. Not when they could do something.

The narrowing eyes fixed in his said enough, and as much as Roy didn't agree with the Colonel, he knew better than discuss any further.

Shifting to attention, Roy made his position clear and diffused the tension. Avoiding certainly an unnecessary unpleasant situation.

“Good, let's get moving now !” Everyone started into action, hurrying back to the vehicles for the upcoming pursue of the lost trucks.

Before starting the engine, Vall sent a pointed look at Roy making him feel like squirming. He knew it didn't mean nothing good, and he couldn't help regret not shutting up when he should have.

 

They found the Ishbalans quite easily, and despite fighting back, it didn't take Roy long before annihilating them all in an explosion of fire. He barely registered the screams as he snapped his fingers again and finished the enemy. Vall's eyes on his back were too intense, and all he wanted was to direct his flames on his Commanding Officer and make him burn until nothing remained.

Considering the impossibility of such desire, he focused all his rage and pain on the burning corpses and made sure nothing was left of them.

“It was beautiful.” Roy froze, the breath on his neck making his insides churn. “Let's go now.” Vall's hand fell on Roy's shoulder, squeezing, before leading him back to their vehicles.

“What about the missing men, sir ?” He certainly shouldn't ask, but it was stronger than him.

He couldn't bear the idea of abandoning their soldiers.

Vall's hand tightened and Roy gritted his teeth.

“What about them, Major ?” He was pleasant again, smiling for the crowd, though most soldiers were busy checking on the replenishment trucks and getting ready to leave. “We'll send a squad for them in the morning, of course.”

Roy swallowed, jerking his head as understanding.

 

Vall was intercepted by a soldier once back at camp, for debriefing. Roy couldn't be more relieved as he made his way back to the tent and got himself some water. He was feeling even more dirty than before, and he considered more than not this poor excuse of a shower.

Knowing the waking call was in one hour and another long day would start, he decided against it. What would be the point of cleaning up if he was going to be all dirty again in the coming hours.

He was dozing off on his cot, still fully clothed, coat included, when sounded the horn and the camp came back to life. Roy groaned, hating on everything and everyone behind this fucking war. His body was aching in exhaustion, his eyes burning in lack of sleep.

He didn't want to move.

He dragged himself outside the tent more than anything else, his eyes shrieking at the assault of light and his body complaining at every steps.

How he would kill for a good night sleep.

“Oi, Roy-Boy.” Sitting with his breakfast, Roy had to restrain a sigh. “You look terrible.”

A small grin tugged at his lips, as his best friend sat with him.

“Thanks. I've been on a mission the whole night.”

“The missing trucks ?” Roy raised a brow at his friend.

“You heard about it already ?”

Maes grinned, this proud, amused glint in his eyes reducing the tension in Roy's body.

“My tent's close to the higher-ups. I heard them talk about it.”

“Oh.” He sipped on his tasteless coffee and grimaced. “Anything else ?”

Maes smiled, and from the corner of his eyes, Roy sensed regret pricking at his insides.

He shouldn't have asked.

“I've got my first picture from Gracia. Look at her, isn't she beautiful ? She's the most amazing woman I've ever met.”

Roy wanted to play nice, but it got hard after ten minutes of babbling about Gracia and her amazing existence. Not that Roy doubted it, but, Maes tended to dramatize everything, and right now, he was in no real condition to handle his friend well. Though he tried his best.

Riza mercifully saved them both.

“You look worse and worse sir, are you sure you're okay ?” She asked, her brown concerned eyes on him.

He sighed, turning the remaining of his coffee in his cup. The too clear black liquid danced before his eyes, mesmerizing him for a moment.

“Mustang !” Startled out of it, he looked up at Maes and frowned at the look on his face.

Did he have something on his face ?

“You okay man ?”

“Yeah, why ?”

“Well, you just spaced out on us here. Riza was talking to you.”

He looked over at Riza, the younger woman's caring eyes never averting from him, and for a moment her concern was overwhelming.

“Sorry.” He said, draining his cup. “I'm dead.”

Maes chuckled humorlessly, “We all are, to some extend.”

A small smile appeared on Riza's face, and though Roy wasn't feeling like it, his best friend's joke did drew a tiny one from him too.

Count on Maes to make him feel better.

 

The day was calm, at least for the majority of the soldiers. A squad was sent to rescue the soldiers in the mountains while everyone else waited around camp for orders. It was nothing new, to have to wait, and it must be what everyone hated the most. Not knowing what to do, besides expect a future mission. A mission many wouldn't come back from and many lives would be taken by.

Roy didn't enjoy being on missions, but he couldn't deny he preferred having one than sitting around without nothing to do but think.

Thinking was one's worse enemy at such time and Roy was never too good at ignoring his mind. No matter how much he tried, it always managed to get itself heard and noticed, mostly for the worse.

Finding shade out there was like a corner of paradise. It offered some coolness in this unbelievably hot, dry place, and Roy was lucky enough on this afternoon to get some. The water didn't taste great, but by now, he had gotten used to it. They all had.

The crush of dust coming closer drew him back to full awareness, and cracking open an eye, he needed a second to identify the person standing in the sun.

“Sir.” She said, and Roy smiled softly.

“Hey.” He greeted, relaxing back against the tree in the shade.

“Do you mind if I sit with you ?”

He shook his head, eyes opened in slices, “Of course not.”

She moved closer, lowering herself against the tree beside him. Their closeness wasn't anything usual -despite knowing each other for so long. But on this afternoon, Roy found comfort in her presence. As if, in the delusional peace away from any horrors they were back in time, the two of us. He wasn't the Flame Alchemist and she wasn't The Hawk's Eye. They were just childhood friends, growing together, in the safety of a home.

Roy realized he missed home. He missed the coolness of Amestris, missed the civilization and its perks. Hell, he even missed rain. How long has it been since he could feel the cold droplets on his skin -he couldn't even remember.

“Do you remember this place we used to go to with my dad ?”

Roy nodded, his mind bringing him back to the green lands of countryside, where the nature was master and no worries were allowed. Master Hawkeye used to take them there for a walk, once or twice a month, before his sickness got him beddriden. These walks had no other purpose than enjoy some time away from daily routine and recenter on themselves -while creating precious memories altogether.

Roy missed this place. He missed its freshness and peacefulness. Away from everything, and everyone.

“I'll like to go back there, when it's over.”

Roy opened an eye to look at her, and observed her face. The usual tension was gone, replaced by soft nostalgia he couldn't help feel too.

“I'll like that too.” He admitted, and she smiled to him.

“I'll make sure we do, then.”

The smile on his lips was sincere and vibrant for once, and he appreciated it. It made him feel good, as if he had no worry in the world. Even if only for a short moment.

“Me too.”

 

Sun set with nothing more happening. Roy couldn't say it bothered him, but if nothing was happening, then nothing was moving forward, and if nothing was moving forward, then this war wasn't getting closer to being over.

He despised himself for expecting missions. Missions he knew would only bring numerous deaths and torments. But he couldn't stand being there anymore, in this desert, under this glaring sun. Everyone was getting tired of it.

Though Roy seemed to have a reason more to feel like this.

In only a couple of days the way to his tent became a trial. When it had been his shelter after every missions bringing always more chaos on this country, now it was nothing more than a lion's den, where many danger and unknown awaited him.

Colonel Vall was sleeping when Roy stepped inside the tent. Tension tightened his body as he walked further inside and tried his possible to be quiet.

The man didn't move, his even respiration remaining the same and testifying of his deep slumber.

Relaxing, Roy shrugged off his coat, sat down on his cot and took off his boots. The shower he managed to take earlier almost felt forgotten, for the sticky, scratchy feeling was back on his skin. It was a wonder if one could stay clean in this damn desert.

Breathing out, he glanced up at his superior's sleeping form before balancing his body down his cot and staring at the tent ceiling.

The day had been long in its quietness. It had almost been boring. But Roy guessed it was welcome when as tired as he was. He wouldn't have enjoyed going on another mission after such sleepless night.

Rubbing a gloved hand down his face, he stared at it and lost himself in its contemplation.

It was his only weapon, his only way of defense, but yet it was so vulnerable. Thinking Vall could take them away from him so easily sent a shudder down his spine. Clenching his fist, he gritted his teeth and considered what to do.

Keeping his gloves on didn't seem to help him much, but it did make him feel better. Safer. Knowing the man would take them away at the first opportunity made Roy uncomfortable in his own skin. He didn't like letting this man take something so precious and personal from him.

Peeling the glove off his hand, he buried it in his pants' pocket and turned on his stomach, hiding his remaining gloved hand under his pillow.

As long as he could keep one without the Colonel knowing, then maybe, only maybe, he wouldn't be so vulnerable next time. A ball fell in his stomach at the thought of a next time. How could he expect one, prepare himself for one.

It shouldn't have one. It shouldn't, but he knew he couldn't avoid it, and it hurt to think he had so little chances to fight it.

 

He heard the man even before he could make more than three steps. Jolting awake, he spun around and aimed his gloved hand at the man. Vall froze, staring at him in shock before his features softened and a grin cracked his lips.

“Stay away from me, sir.” Always the good little soldier, it seemed.

Vall chuckled, the noise despicable and nerve-wrecking.

“Or what, you'll snap at me ?”

“I will.” The look in his eyes confirmed it, though deep down, he wasn't sure himself he would.

Too risky, was telling his brain. He would ruin everything.

But it wasn't like he needed to believe it, Vall just needed to. And he would back off and leave him alone. At least, that was what Roy hoped.

“You realize you're threatening a Commanding Officer for no reason, right ?”

Roy gritted his teeth, trying to swallow the rage taking him at the throat.

“I could get you court-martial for that, boy, do you realize ?” Hesitation grew on him, making his stance lose strength and his gaze lose focus. “Put down your arm, Major, and give me your gloves !”

No no no. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. To happen again. Vall was supposed to leave him alone, he was supposed to stop. Roy didn't want to let this happen again, he didn't want to let this man close to him again. But he was a soldier, a damn dog, and Colonel Vall had just gave him a clear order -an order he couldn't disobey.

“Sir please-” He didn't mean to beg, didn't want to beg, but he couldn't bear the idea of letting this man touch him ever again.

Vall's shoulders relaxed, the smile on his lips turning into a smirk.

“Your gloves, Major !” Roy's hand shook, his fingers still ready to snap -but unable to, as the man took a step closer, then another one, testing Roy's reactions.

Biting his lip, Roy lowered his head and tightened his grip on the blanket, desperate for something to help him.

He didn't fight back when the Colonel grabbed his wrist and forced his hand open. He couldn't do anything, and he knew it. Losing his gloves for the second time didn't feel any better, and more than before, he felt trapped and vulnerable and didn't like it one bit.

“The other one !” Roy stiffened, biting the inside of his cheek and praying a God he didn't have to make this man stop. “The other one Roy, now !”

A pained grimace twisted his features when Vall bent his wrist in an unnatural angle and threatened to break it.

“My pocket ! It's in my pocket sir, just here.” He twisted his body to reach his pocket and get the glove out. The grip on his wrist relaxed, easing the pain away.

Handing his glove, with his head still low, Roy contemplated every other outcome this situation could have had -if only he hadn't surrendered so easily. How did this all even start anyway ? How did he end up in such compromising situation, unable to do anything ?

“This is the second time you test my authority, boy. And I'm not talking about your near insubordination last night.” Roy froze, his breath catching in his chest and making his heart pound in his skull. “You know what I can do to you, though.”

Vall twisted Roy's arm in his back, forcing him off the cot and face down on the floor. A cry of pain escaped him, before he bit his lip and silenced himself. The man crouched above him sat on his legs, his free hand pressing against the nap of his neck.

“This'll come to no surprise to you then, that I have to punish you.” Roy didn't bother answering. This bastard would be too happy, and there was no way he would play this game of his.

Pain grew in his shoulder when Vall leaned close to his ear, “You brought this upon yourself.” He heard the ruffle of clothes, then a zipper opening. “If only you'd been a good little soldier, like you're supposed to be.”

Roy's pants were next to come down, and despite the horror falling over him, and the desperation to get away, to avoid what this man wanted to do to him, for a moment -as brief as it could be, all he could think about was that Maes hadn't gave him back his spare cup he borrowed from him yesterday after lunch.

Before the pain came, and the violation assaulted his body, he made a mental note to take it back tomorrow.

 

Vall didn't want him to scream, and Roy didn't either, but it was too much, too painful, and he couldn't restrain every cries passing his lips. To shut him up, Vall just shoved something in his mouth and pressed his face into the ground, threatening him to make it worse if he wasn't being quiet.

Roy realized it was his own gloves that were used as a gag, and the anger he felt was irrational, but it blurred his mind and gave him murderous urges. It was just his gloves, and at the moment, he had many more other things to be raging about.

But all Roy could think when focusing on this burning spark at the pit of his stomach was that this fucking bastard had used his gloves to keep him quiet. As if the humiliation inflicted to him already wasn't enough. He had to shove his gloves in his mouth as a glaring proof of his powerlessness.

“Get up, boy.” The hand in Roy's hair pulled him up on his knees, his blue pants still around his thighs.

Roy instinctively hugged his throbbing arm close to his side while Vall walked around him, his hand clamping down his jaw and yanking his face closer. Pained filled shiny black eyes fluttered open and slid up to the Colonel -the incomprehension strong in them.

The gloves in his mouth were pulled out, and Roy had to swallow a pitiful noise.

“Keep it open.” He heard, the pain numbing his mind making it hard to understand the new turn of events.

Grunts caught his attention, and shifting his gaze to the man before him, his eyes widened and his body jerked away. Vall tightened his grip on his jaw, his gaze darkening, and Roy froze in place -long enough for the man to come in his face and soil him some more.

“I want you to keep in mind,” Vall said, crouching at Roy's level with a hand still clamped under his jaw. “I don't enjoy hurting you -but you needed to be punished.”

Roy tried to convince himself he had heard wrong, or hallucinated the words, but when it got clear he hadn't, he glared up at the Colonel, his gaze nothing but murderous.

A part of him tried to keep it cool, to avoid an even more unpleasant punishment. But this part of him wasn't strong enough, and Roy didn't realize what he was doing until Vall was flinching away and a glob of reddish thick saliva was running down the man's cheek.

Later, he would blame the pain and confusion for that, and later, he would regret it.

Vall was as swift as a reptile and kicked Roy in the stomach, sending him doubling over on the ground, coughing and gasping.

“Let's see how you work with broken fingers.” Vall yanked his arm up in his back, and Roy stiffened. “You better keep it quiet.” The warning was the last thing he registered before pain took over his mind and blood was drawn on his tongue.

 

  
**:::**

 

  
Roy wasn't sure what was the worst -the fingers or his ass. Walking was a pain in itself, and he hated to think he was limping. No matter how much he tried, he knew he didn't manage to hide it, unlike his fingers hidden under his glove. His index and middle fingers were both broken at the second knuckle, and Roy had to somehow set them in place with a piece of cloth he wrapped as tightly as possible around them to keep them straight. To say the least, it hurt. Snapping was out of the question, and though Roy was dexterous with both hand, he still hated Vall for that.

As if this war wasn't painful enough like that -the bastard had to add to it.

Roy caught himself wondering how many more soldiers had to handle similar situations. Before now, he had never given it a thought -never even thought about it. But now, now he couldn't stop. Couldn't stop wondering how many kids out there were hurt by sick fucks like Vall.

The thought he was in no position to feel righteous for them made bile rise up his esophagus, and for a second, as he stood before a group of Ishbalans, he believed he was going to be sick. His arm froze mid snap, the screams quietening as everyone waited for him to burn everyone to death.

Children's cries arose above the quietening screams of the adults, and Roy felt horror wash over him. Horror for all these innocent people he was slaughtering. Torturing. They didn't deserve that, didn't deserve what he was inflicting to them.

“Major Mustang !” The booming voice in his back was an electroshock, and shook out of it, he looked up at the mass of Ishbalans before him -and snapped.

 

“What was that Mustang, did you hesitate ?”

“No sir.” Roy was feeling claustrophobic in the Colonel's presence and wished he could back off. Having him invading his personal space like that was making his skin crawl, and he wished the man would just disappear.

Disappear forever and never show up ever again.

“Is it your hand ?” Asshole. Roy had to look away before glaring too long at the Colonel.

“No sir.”

“Then what ?” He stepped closer, and Roy fought the urge to step back and get away. To go where anyway ? He had a truck in his back and the Colonel before him. He was trapped -oh so very trapped, and it made him sick.

“Nothing sir. I didn't hesitate.”

“Here,” Vall slammed his hand against the truck, making Roy flinch against his will. “Is a lie Mustang. We were all watching you, we all saw you hesitate. Is it too much for you ?”

Roy knew by these words the Colonel didn't mean anything related to war.

A part of him wanted to scream YES and get this man to stop -but the fear of what would happen then, of the greater humiliation he would sustain prevented him to do so.

“Answer me, Major !”

“No sir.” The words were forced out of his throat, and it hurt. He couldn't believe how something like that could hurt so much.

“Are you sure ?” This bastard enjoyed twisting the knife in the wound too much, and for the hundredth time it seemed Roy wished this man to die the most horrible death possible. Preferably at his hand.

“Yes sir.”

_I fucking hate you. I hate you ! I hope you die._

“Good.” The weight of Vall's stare was something Roy would never get used to. “Go see Marcoh.” He said, walking away.

 

His fingers didn't hurt anymore, and Roy couldn't stop stretching and folding them, as if to test their resistance. The pain was gone, and Roy was still impressed by Doctor Marcoh's Alchemy. In a blink, he could make a body like new again. Though State Alchemists were the only ones allowed such treatment. It disgusted him to think mere soldiers could bleed out for all the higher ups cared but a broken finger deserved Doctor Marcoh's power. The difference of statue was never in his liking, and Roy's ideal was to offer everyone the same protection and rights.

Maes always teased him about it, but he knew his friend supported his values. Roy had been any other person, and his friendship with Maes wouldn't have been the same. Maybe not even possible.

How many Alchemists out there believed themselves above everyone else. Roy knew too many and hated such behavior. It was certainly why he had such a hard time making friends. Not that he minded. He rather have a restricted circle of friends than get close to some elitist assholes.

Not many people were good in the army. Too many of them valued rank and power too much. Making them abusive bastards. Roy had been lucky so far to not fall under the command of one of them.

 _Was_ lucky. He wasn't so much anymore.

The thought of Vall made him shiver, and swallowing around the lump in his throat, he sipped some water and tightened his grip around the tin can in his hand.

“You okay Roy ?” Hughes' hand on his shoulder was a welcomed weight, thought unexpected lost in his thoughts as he was. He hated to think he almost flinched. “You look exhausted.”

And he was. He was. It was barely if he managed to sleep more than two hours, and every time he had to go back to his tent terror was grabbing him at the guts and making him sick in the stomach. Roy only wanted to sleep. He just wanted to sleep, but the Colonel was terrifying him, and he couldn't rest at night like he should.

Every noise was startling him awake, his heart pounding in his chest and his senses on alert.

His body was now getting back at him for such lack of proper sleep, and Roy felt like he could collapse at any opportunity.

Maes' hand squeezed Roy's shoulder, and blinking his unfocused eyes, he looked at the ground and tensed.

“Have you slept recently ?”

Roy's body turned rigid, the unintentional implication in Maes' words bringing back the fear of the past few days. He needed too long to snap out of it and shake his head.

“Not more than a couple hours at a time.” He said, his voice sounding lower than usual.

Maes' face broke into an expression of concern, his hand on Roy's shoulder squeezing softly in hope to bring some comfort to a fellow soldier.

“You want to talk ?”

Roy shook his head, then shrugged, not sure himself.

“I'm on guard duty tonight, you can keep me company if you want.”

Roy smiled, feeling his heart flutter at the offer.

 

He didn't mean to fall asleep. What soldier was falling asleep sitting against a wall beside his best friend on guard duty ? But he was so tired, so exhausted. And he felt so safe, with Maes at his side. It was like he could walk blind through this world as long as his friend was here.

Nights were always colder than days. For most's surprise, they often ended up shivering under the thin blanket on their cot. Roy had been surprised his first night at camp. After such suffocating day he believed night would be too warm. Cold woke him in the middle of the night, forcing him to put his uniform back on and curl in the blanket.

A gust of wind sneaking under his clothes forced him back to the world of the livings. He couldn't tell if he had slept any, for the soreness in his body was still present. But he knew he was relaxed. As relaxed as he hadn't been in what seemed too long.

Roy called this the Maes' effect, and he would kill to share a tent with his friend and not worry about going back to his.

“Hey there sleeping beauty.” Roy snickered at Hughes' stupid words and straightened up.

His joints cracked and the muscles in his legs complained. Pressing a hand on his lower back, he tried to stretch the stiffness away and regretted falling asleep in such position in such cold temperatures.

“You should go back to your tent.”

Roy stiffened, his throat clamping and his breath catching in his chest, a sick feeling awaking at the pit of his stomach.

“Roy ?”

“It's okay,” He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. “I'll keep you company some more.”

Maes snorted, his grip on his firearm shifting.

“What company you make. You started snoring on me barely five minutes into my story about my first meeting with Gracia.”

Roy rolled his eyes, “Please, I heard it a hundredth time already.”

Maes gasped, the sound and expression so sincere that Roy worried about his best friend's current mental state. Gracia was just a girl, like any other girl out there. Sure, Maes loved her, and she sounded really great. But she remained, just, a, girl.

And Roy would make sure to never say that to his friend's face. He wouldn't come unscathed from a lecturing rant about his blasphemous words.

A small smile tugged at Roy's lips.

“-kind of friend you are ?” Roy blinked, tuning in his friend's voice back. “So what if you heard it ten times already, as my best friend, all you have to do is nod and smile at me. Come on Roy, where's the support ?”

In a sigh, he rolled his eyes and grinned at the dark look he got in return.

“I'm at that to kick your ass, jackass.”

Roy couldn't help it -he laughed.

If for a second Maes stared at him as if he had lost his mind and then glared at him for his outrageous disrespect -in the end, he couldn't control himself either and laughed with him.

They weren't sure after a moment what they were laughing about, but it felt good to unwind like that. As if they had no care in the world and were back at the academy.

By the time approaching footsteps were heard, their hilarity had died down and Maes was back into guarding stance. Lucky for them, because the Lieutenant Colonel passing by them sent a judging look in their direction before walking away.

“You should go.” Roy didn't want to, but he knew he couldn't spend the night with his friend either. He was on guard duty, and being distracted wasn't allowed. Besides, Roy would hate himself if Maes had to get into trouble because of him.

“I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Maes' smile never failed to be bright with sincerity. “Try to get some shut eye Roy-boy, you really need it.”

He nodded wordlessly, his head failing at straightening up on his way back to his tent.

It was late, and with little luck, the Colonel would be sound asleep. Roy knew for a fact the importance of the man's sleep schedule. It was fixed to the second, and if the Colonel didn't have the needed hours of sleep then he couldn't function. Everyone in Roy's squad had learned so the first day in Ishbal. Vall was never a scary kind of man, and though he grumbled and complained, the soldiers never took it to heart.

It was even amusing at a time, before all this, Roy thought. Colonel Vall used to be a figure he looked up to and respected. The man was someone he could have imagined himself working under and befriending.

It was before, and now he could only hope the late hour would be a guarantee enough for his Commanding Officer to be long gone in deep slumber. He didn't believe he had it in him tonight to deal with the man.

Not tonight.

_Not ever again._

The pain in his backside felt sharper as he limped inside the tent and froze at the entrance, scanning his surroundings. Vall was sleeping on his cot, laying on his side under the blanket with his arms crossed over his chest. Like always. Roy feared for a second to wake the man up by walking to his cot, and breathing in, he forced himself to move.

He attempted to be as quiet as possible, the dust under his boots making too much noise in his liking. It was like he had came in dragging his feet, though it wasn't the case.

But to his ears, it sounded like it.

Lowering himself down on his cot, he froze at the creak arising in the tent and stopped breathing, his gaze directed to the Colonel's sleeping form.

Waiting another moment, he pulled up the blanket and laid down, his eyes closing tensely and his heart beating madly.

Hours ticked by, but Roy didn't manage to relax enough to fall asleep. Every gust of wind, every passing soldiers, every snorts, every louder noise startled him awake -his senses on alert. Ready to fight or fly.

By the time sun was up and morning call rang, he didn't feel much more rested, and his shoulders and neck were stiff.

Roy was out of the tent before the Colonel started stirring in bed, his feet leading him to the showers even before he could think about it.

His hair were trickling wet when he got his breakfast. Riza wasn't there yet -in fact, not many soldiers were up yet. Roy guessed he was early, though it wasn't in his habit. A squad was getting ready a little further from him, orders flying right and left for them to gather and move it.

Watching these young soldiers hurry around and to the trucks, Roy couldn't help wonder which one wouldn't make it back. On this thought, he tried to memorize every of their faces, as if, at their return, he would be able to notice who wasn't here.

He hated thinking like that, and lowering his gaze on his food, he bit in his bread and chewed for too long.

 

His hair were dry when Riza sat down with him. They didn't have much to say, besides formalities and banalities. Roy could tell how tired they both were, and he didn't like to think of what had become of Riza because of this war.

Because of him.

The eyes of a killer wasn't a look he ever imagined seeing on her, and he didn't like it. Didn't like it on anyone, but Riza was a special case. Master Hawkeye had entrusted his life secret to her, and she had trusted Roy in return.

And now, he was betraying both Hawkeye's trust. To kill and destroy. Everything Master Hawkeye didn't want to happen with his life researches. Everything he had hoped to avoid and warned Roy about when joining the military.

He was right. And it hurt Roy to think how wrong he was all along. For believing he could make a change and protect his master's work and power. He had failed, on every levels.

“Here you are you two. Let's go, we've a mission.”

If Riza noticed the way Roy froze at the Colonel's voice, she didn't show anything about it and just picked up her sniper and stood up.

“You coming sir ?” She asked in this always professional, respectful voice, and nodding, Roy stood up and followed after her.

 

**:::**

 

Things were quiet for the past week. No real mission were given, no real use was made of Alchemists, and no more Colonel Vall's attack. Roy was the most glad about the latter, and he hated himself. Hated to think as long as the man was leaving him alone, everything else was okay.

But war being war, things never stayed quiet for long. A call for back-up from Maes sent Roy, along with five other soldiers, in the eastern side of Ishbal, where insurgents were holding their ground against the military and preventing Maes and his squad to move any further.

“What do we have ?” He asked, and eating from a tin can something smelling like tuna, Maes pointed over the window.

“They've been firing at us non-stop. We don't have enough men to break through.”

Roy stood up and pressed against the wall, glancing outside. Indeed, people were firing at them, preventing them to do much more than riposte from their hiding spot.

“Okay,” He slid his gloves on, eyes shining with determination. “I'm taking care of it.”

The blast of heavy weapons gave him the opening to make it to the desired building. A snap of his fingers was all he needed to shut down any resistance, and making his way up to the roof, Roy could already smell the burning flesh of his victims. He inspected his work with furrowed brows and a sick feeling in his stomach, assuring himself everyone was dead.

Noise in his back made him spin around, hands up and fingers ready.

The Ishbalan was hurt, it seemed, and he was panting heavily, leaning against the wall to support his weight. Roy wouldn't have hesitated, if he hadn't recognized the man.

“Heiss Cliff.” He couldn't hide the shock in his voice, and looking up at him, his former classmate's red eyes widened in surprise then horror.

“Roy Mustang...” Roy could hear the blame and accusation in Heiss' voice, and it added to his incapacity to snap. “Why ?”

The question stunned him in place, for he had been wondering the same since he was here.

Why ? Why was he here ? Why was he killing an entire population ? Why were they doing this ?

Shock left him frozen in place, unable to do anything but stare and tremble. Roy couldn't bring himself to snap. He couldn't bring himself to kill a man he had fought for and protected against discrimination. Heiss had been a friend, a friend he admired for his strength and courage and more than ever, he felt the horror of war wash over him.

He didn't see Heiss move before it was too late, and by the time he understood what was happening, he was crashing down on the ground as another shot was fired.

 

Luck was a funny thing. Roy hadn't expected to survive when the bullet hit him and sent him down, but here he was, hidden in a storage tent, brooding over what had happened. His Alchemist watch had saved his life, after destroying it so mercilessly.

How ironic.

Of course, the incident didn't mean Roy would be left alone. Of course not. The very same morning Maes came looking for him, a mission awaiting his talent. Roy felt sick. He felt sick and dead and he didn't want to go. He didn't want to fight anymore. Didn't want to kill anymore. He didn't learn Alchemy for something like that. He never wanted to hurt anyone, but here he was. In the center of a war of extermination he couldn't do anything about but carry forward.

Maes, as always, found the words to get Roy back on track. He got the words to get him back on his feet and get him back on the battlefield. None of them had any other choice, though Roy often considered just giving up and never using his Alchemy ever again.

Maes wouldn't let this happen. The man protected his loved ones, and Roy was no exception. Sometimes, he couldn't help wish his friend wasn't here, for it would have been easier to just stop.

“It's been thirty seconds.” He heard and breathed in, slow and deep.

Sun was up, and he knew it had been more than the thirty seconds he had asked for. This strengthened this total faith and trust he had in Maes. If not for him, he wouldn't have come this far, and because of him, he would keep fighting.

 

The day was long and deadly. Roy was exhausted, more than usual it seemed, and all he wanted was to sleep and never wake up.

Colonel Vall had other plans. He knew it at the second he stepped inside the tent. The man had been so distant lately that Roy made the mistake of lowering his guard and relaxing. And now seemed to be the time to pay.

Colonel Vall was waiting for him, standing straight in the center of the tent, his eyes landing on Roy at the second he appeared.

“Sir.” He saluted, swallowing dryly.

“I heard you were shot.” Roy stiffened some more, heaviness growing on his muscles.

“I wasn't hurt sir.”

“You didn't kill the shooter.” Roy faltered, not sure what to make of the words.

“…sir ?”

Vall took a step closer, still giving no hint for Roy to get at ease. The position was strenuous on his exhausted body, and he could feel his arm shaking.

“Why didn't you snap ? Captain Hughes shot the insurgent, and you...” He stopped before Roy, way too close. “What did you do ?”

“I-” Roy didn't know what to say. He knew the man wouldn't take any of his excuses, not when he seemed so inclined to believe Roy was in the wrong.

The only thought made him tremble and desperate to get away.

“You didn't snap. You let this vermin shoot you and you didn't do anything about it !” Roy flinched at the sudden outburst, the fear the man was instilling in him growing at a worrying speed. “What if he'd shoot you ? What if he'd got you ?”

Roy opened his mouth, still not sure about what to say, but Vall grabbed his arm and dragged him further inside the tent. He couldn't help freeze at the contact and was too slow to even think to pull away.

“Strip !”

“S-sir ?”

Vall's eyes narrowed, his arms crossing over his chest and expression darkening.

“Strip, now !” Roy startled and tried to keep calm.

Biting the inside of his cheek, he breathed in slowly and forced his mind at ease. It didn't work much, but it worked enough for him to smooth his expression and obey.

First went his coat. He shrugged it off without much of a thought and threw it on his cot. Next was his uniform jacket. He unbuttoned it with his gaze just above the Colonel's shoulder, directed in the distance -to the entrance of the tent in a distant wish he could just go away. The thought didn't remain for long, chased by powerful blankness.

The less he thought the easier it was.

Once topless, he discarded his white shirt on the pile of clothes on his cot and hesitated. He wasn't sure what the Colonel wanted. Did he just want to check on the bruise on his side where the bullet had hit his watch or did he want something else ?

The thought made him shiver in apprehension.

“Keep going Major.”

Roy froze, his respiration turning shallow.

The only idea of getting naked before the man terrified him, and he grew desperate to avoid it. And to make sense of it. Despite knowing what the man was doing to him had no sense, he caught himself still trying to understand. Understand what could push such man to do such thing.

“I'm sorry sir,” He said, getting to attention. “But may I ask what you're trying to accomplish by that sir ?”

Vall's eyes darkened, the look on his face threatening and frightening.

With a step closer, he entered Roy's personal space and leaned in his face.

“This is an order Major. Do you need anything more ?”

Roy tried to swallow, but his throat was tightened. “Sir-” He didn't even know what to say. He was trapped. Left with no other option than obey.

_Or burn him alive._

A finger curling in the waistband of his pants startled him, and in a silent gasp, Roy's body went rigid in terror.

“Take it off, Major.” He said, low and insinuating.

Roy felt like crying. He felt like crying and screaming but couldn't bring himself to do any of that.

“All of it.”

Roy blinked, the burning in his eyes feeling humiliating already.

“Please sir-” A hand clamped down on his neck, pulling him closer, and Roy choked on terror.

Vall's breath was warm on his cheek, barely smelling. Roy didn't know what to do and felt cornered at the mercy of a dangerous man he couldn't do anything against.

“Remember last time you defied my authority ?”

How could he forget ? He still had nightmares about it. Nightmares in which he was pinned down, unable to move or defend himself. In which the Colonel was violating him again and again and there was nothing he could do about it.

A tear almost escaped confronted to the painful truth he couldn't stop the man nor get away from him.

“Yes sir.” His voice sounded unusually small, and satisfied, Vall pulled away, his arms crossing over his chest again, waiting.

Roy needed to lock his fears and thoughts away under such scrutinizing stare, and moving stiff hands to his belt, he undressed to nothing before he could think about it.

Making this drag wouldn't help, on the contrary. The more he was thinking about it the more painful it was becoming.

_Better get over with it quickly._

The Colonel's eyes roamed over his body, down, up, down, up. And again, as if looking for something Roy wasn't aware of. It made his skin crawl to be under the man's inspecting gaze, and more than once he wanted to cover his private parts and punch Vall in the face.

A step forward made Roy freeze.

_Stay away from me ! Don't fucking touch me. Stay away from me !_

A hand reached for him, and Roy needed all his willpower to not back away. His instincts were screaming at him to MOVE. But he couldn't. Vall was clear, and he didn't want to risk another punishment.

_Never again._

Fingers pressed against his stomach, and Roy's muscles twitched, desperate to get away from the undesired contact. Vall's hand flattened on his skin, just next the dark bruise on his side. Roy sucked in a breath, trying to stay calm in such horrifying and degrading moment.

He was naked before his Commanding Officer and couldn't stop him from touching him.

His mind shrieked at such helplessness -almost driving him crazy.

“You were lucky.” Vall's hand rubbed over the dark bruise, strangely careful.

Roy gulped down saliva passed an obstructing lump.

_Stop. Stop stop stop-  
_

“A little higher,” The hand moved up to his stomach. “Or lower,” It rubbed down to Roy's groin, stopping just before it could feel the pubic hairs.

Roy froze, his breath catching in his chest as his heart hammered something crazy as if trying to break free.

_Stop ! Please, stop._

“Imagine what would've happened if you hadn't been so lucky.” The hand clamped on Roy's hip and squeezed. Hard. As if trying to hurt.

Roy had to bite his tongue to keep his expression neutral.

“Why didn't you snap Major ?” The low, threatening growl held a serious note of anger, and Roy's insides churned in fear.

Vall stepped closer at the lack of answer, and Roy's despair enhanced. He didn't want this man any closer to him, but he didn't know what to answer.

“Roy.” The menace was clear, and Roy had to force his mind free from this stunning terror.

“The-” He swallowed, willing his tongue and mouth to function properly. “The insurgent was a former classmate. A friend.” He finished, feeling deep sorrow bloom in his chest.

Heiss was dead, shot by Maes. In the context of a war none of them could do anything about and had given them no other choice than fight each other.

The Colonel's face softened, his eyes searching Roy's in a way making him uncomfortable.

“Look at me Major.” Roy looked up, as unwilling as he could be to do so, he did so instinctively. And regretted it. Meeting Vall's gaze made everything so much more real -everything from these depraving things he was doing to him to this friend he had to face and who was now dead.

Maybe not by his hand, but it was all the same.

The pain was suffocating, and Roy more than ever was brought to the verge of tears. Though he didn't want to cry. Not before this man ! He felt them blur his vision and choke him.

“This is war.”

_I know that ! I fucking know that. Now get your fucking hands off of me ! Please._

“Things like that are bound to happen. Friends become enemies, and in the natural order of things, one of you will inevitably die. Your only option here, Major, depends on how much you want to live.” Vall's hand moved up to his face and cupped it, in such a tender way that Roy wanted to vomit.

He couldn't understand what the man wanted from him. Couldn't understand the little speech in such conditions. Why did he need him naked for that ? What was he going to do to him ? The anticipation was driving him mad, and Roy was at that to lose his shit.

“Tell me Mustang,” Roy held his breath and braced himself for the upcoming blow he knew would leave him breathless and stunned. “How much do you want to live ?”

He didn't have an answer to that. For he didn't know himself. This war was doing things to him he never experienced before, and early on he discovered he wasn't as strong as he always thought himself to be. He couldn't kill and move on the next second. Couldn't forget the horrors he had to commit. Couldn't just obey and not think. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't stop thinking.

“This isn't what I expect from you, Major.” Roy was drawn back to present time, the sensation like one of being submerged too fast and too hard. “I want you to live. You can't die, you hear me ?”

_Yes sir._

He couldn't say it. Why couldn't he ?

“Roy !” A hand in his hair pulled, hard, and forced him closer to the Colonel. So close that their bodies were now pressed together.

It made him sick. So sick that his stomach flipped up to his throat.

“What are you doing here ? Are you trying to get yourself killed ?” Vall groaned his disapproval. “You said you could handle it.”

_I can't sir ! I can't, oh God, please- I can't. Please, just leave me alone, please. Leave me alone._

“Stop.” His voice was husky and choked, and Roy felt tears prickle his eyes at the desperation taking over his mind.

“What is it boy ?” Vall titled his head on the side, searching Roy's eyes. “I thought you stronger than that.”

_I'm not ! Oh please, I'm not. I'm not ! So please, please, just leave me alone. Leave me alone-_

“You want me to stop ?” Roy had to close his eyes on pooling tears and the growing urge to sob. “So make me.” The words knocked the air out of his lungs. “You're the Flame Alchemist, it shouldn't be too hard if you so desperately want me to stop.”

The Colonel's hand yanked Roy's head back, exposing his throat. Gritting his teeth, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on keeping it together and not lashing out at the man.

“Come on boy,” He licked up his throat to his lips, where he stopped. “Just make me stop, if you so badly want to.” He smirked, pulling Roy even closer. “Which I doubt.” He forced his lips against Roy's and gasped in pain, doubling over.

Jerking his head free, Roy pushed the man away and punched him, just to be sure he wouldn't recover too soon. The Colonel fell on the ground, grabbing his privates and curling on himself -pained, angry groans rolling out of his throat and making Roy fear the consequences to such attack.

He had just kneed his superior in the groin and punched him. He was done for. The man would make him pay and he didn't want to be here when it would happen.

Putting his pants on as fast as he could, Roy struggled in his hastiness. Twice his foot got stuck in the leg of the pants as Vall groaned louder on the ground and started moving.

Terror took him at the throat, and pulling up his pants, he grabbed his coat, put it on, grabbed the rest of his uniform (forgot his boots) and ran. He ran so fast and hard that he didn't even feel the gravel bit in the flesh of his bare feet. He was too desperate to get away and never come back.

 

He was shivering in cold, hiding near some tent behind some crates. Despite wrapping his coat as tight around his body as possible, he couldn't stop shivering. His feet were throbbing, the cold numbing his toes. He didn't know what got over him earlier, and he couldn't help fear what would happen now. For sure, Vall would be furious, and Roy didn't want to think about the punishment he would get in return.

_He told me to ! He told me to stop him. He asked for it !_

Approaching footsteps made him tense and hold his breath. He couldn't tell how long he was here, and he didn't know if the Colonel was looking for him, but he was certain he was. After what he did, of course he would. And Roy couldn't afford being found.

“Roy ?”

_Oh God oh God-_

He was found. He was found and he was dead.

“Roy, 's'that you man ?”

_Maes ?_

Blinking, Roy looked up slowly and released a shaky breath -the sound too similar to a sob.

“Maes ?” His best friend stepped closer and crouched before him, inspecting his cowered form silently.

“What happened to you ? Are you okay ?” Roy trembled and shook his head before biting his lip and lowering his head. “Hey, hey. It's okay, it's okay. Look at me buddy.”

“Maes.” He didn't want to sound so pathetic, but it was stronger than him. After everything… after everything… he just wanted to cry.

“Come 'ere buddy.” Roy stiffened at the hand on his neck, but eventually relaxed and leaned against Maes. “What happened ?” As only answer, Roy shook his head again, his despair clear in such response. “Okay, okay. It's okay, you don't have to talk about it. Just calm down, okay ?”

Roy nodded against his friend's shoulder and stayed there, taking in the comfort and safe feeling he was craving for at the right moment.

 

**:::**

 

“This is the philosopher's stone. Starting today, every State Alchemist will have one. Its power will speed up this all process.”

Roy listened to the General, half focused on the speech and half distracted by Colonel Vall standing in the tent with them. Two days had passed, and the man still had to retaliate for what Roy did to him. Every passing moment he was expecting an attack, and he wasn't sure he would be able to avoid his tent for long again. Sleeping in the supply tent wasn't comfortable, and it was barely if he managed to sleep more than three hours in two days.

Roy was exhausted. So exhausted that every parcel of his body ached and his mind couldn't focus well enough. Such condition was dangerous on a battlefield, and Roy was more worried of causing others' death than his own. It wouldn't be a big deal if his negligence was claiming his life -but if it was claiming others'. He wouldn't handle it well.

This war had taken a toll on him big enough for him to not be able to endure much more.

The grin on the General's face crept Roy out. What kind of man could look so excited about a coming extermination ? This disgusted him, and only imagining what this philosopher stone would do made a shiver run down his spine.

He had heard stories about it, read about its power and like many before him dreamed of finding one. But now he had it in the palm of his hand -all he wanted to do was throw it away and destroy it.

A thrilled laughter made him cringe, and glancing over at Kimbly, Roy glared at the Crimson Alchemist and tried to not look at the Colonel. He could feel the man's burning stare on him, and Roy's anxiety grew.

 

Their first mission with the philosopher's stone was a success -for every single one of them. The power of his fire left Roy breathless, the heat caressing his skin something unknown until now. He couldn't deny it was impressive -more than that even- and in any other context, he would have enjoyed it. Admired it.

But it was war. And his fire rendered so powerful just decimated an entire area on kilometers. In less than ten minutes.

It was crazy and scary, and Roy had to vomit hidden from anyone's judging gaze once back at the camp. The smell had been worse than ever. Even from the distance, Roy had smelt it -the burnt flesh.

How many people were there ? The answer horrified him.

_I'm a monster. A murderer._

_I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve this knowledge._

_Master Hawkeye…_

_I'm so sorry._

It was the first time Roy allowed the tears to escape his eyes. Alone, away from everyone, after the massacre of hundred of people with a single snap of his fingers.

 

Roy didn't miss the look on Maes and Riza's faces, but the three of them made sure to not comment on it. They all knew, after all, what fighting this war meant. And no matter how horrible an act could be, they all knew in the context, they couldn't judge it.

If they started, they would put a bullet in their own heads.

This first night after getting the philosopher stone was painful and awkward. Their conversation resolved around the right and wrong of this war, of this massacre. The food in their mouth tasted awful, and Roy couldn't bring himself to eat much before they decided to separate and go back to their respective tents.

Roy's plan was simple, like every other nights for the past two days : hide in some storing tent or something and try to get some sleep.

“Here you are.” The voice arose from too close, and before Roy could even think a hand was on his shoulder. Squeezing. “I've been looking for you Major.”

Roy tried to swallow but failed. The Colonel's suffocating presence at his side sent his every sense on alert, and if he hadn't been frozen in place he would have made a run for it. The Colonel's hand on his shoulder grounded him in place, and before he could blink the man was leading him away -back to their tent.

Terror twisted his insides, and sucking on a breath, Roy tried to keep the panic at bay to focus on his respiration and stay calm.

“What you did today,” Roy tensed up, trying to shut up the voices screaming in his head. “It was grandiose. It gave me the chills.”

He felt sick and nauseous knowing what the man's admiration meant. What it was bringing on him.

“Those flames. This fire. How did you do that ?”

“It was the philosopher's stone sir.” The answer was automatic, though he knew the Colonel didn't really expect one. It still made him smile, and Roy felt the danger emanating from the man.

“It certainly helped, but you were fabulous today.” They arrived at the tent and entered.

Roy felt like a trapped animal about to be slaughtered and would have given anything to get away.

“It got me so hard.” Vall pressed himself in Roy's back who froze, breath catching in his throat.

Roy was too slow to react, the Colonel's arm wrapping around his neck taking him by surprise and taking away from him any chance he could have had to defend himself. Vall squeezed his windpipe and made him gasp, the pressure on his throat growing too fast and too much for him to do anything against it.

“Get down Roy, get down.” He said at his ear as Roy's knees buckled up under him and brought him down to the ground, gasping for air and clinging at Vall's arms.

“S-ir...” The pain made him grimace, but the man kept squeezing and forcing him down.

His hands shot out instinctively to keep himself from laying face first into the ground. But Vall was stronger and determinate, leaving no other choice at Roy than lay down on the ground with the man on him and his lungs screaming for air.

Clawing at Vall's arms, Roy's movements grew desperate as always more time passed with no oxygen being allowed in his lungs. He believed he was suffocating to death, that the man was about to kill him for ever fighting back.

_My gloves-  
_

He didn't have them. He didn't have them on.

_Where are they-  
_

Panic went loose in his mind, rendering him helpless. He couldn't think, couldn't fight, couldn't move.

_My gloves. My gloves-  
_

He needed too long to remember how to think, and by the time he tried to get his gloves from his coat's pocket, Vall had gained enough momentum on him and managed to snatch them away before he could even get a feel of the fabric.

_My gloves-  
_

He panicked. His gloves were gone. Vall was still choking him. Lying on him. Hurting him. And he couldn't do anything.

“Still thinking about frying me.” He heard at his ear, the chuckle making him boil in rage.

_Get the fuck off me ! Get off me, get off-  
_

Squirming got him no where, and soon, darkness closed around his vision and threatened his consciousness.

“You're not helping yourself.” He heard as the pressure on his throat decreased, allowing him to gulp needed air.

The sudden influx of oxygen made Roy cough, sending him through yet another agony.

Vall was merciful enough to loosen his grip and let him recover.

“You're one little fucker Roy, you know that ?” He could hear the grin in the man's words but was too busy remembering how to breath to care. “You don't make it easy on me.”

Vall shifted on his back, and Roy stiffened. “I've to punish you, but what you did today...” Here was back the misplaced admiration, and Roy felt sick. “It deserves a reward.” A hand moved to Roy's front, and he froze, trying to elbow the man away. “So first the punishment, then the reward. Naughty boys like you need to learn to behave before being rewarded.”

_Fuck you ! You sick fuck._

_I will kill you._

“Stop !” The arm squeezed back around his neck, silencing him enough to not attract attention.

“This, isn't smart boy.” Vall's lips pressed against his ear, the growl in the man's voice making him fear what was to come. “Do you really want to make it worse on yourself ?”

Roy's pants were undone, a hand burying inside them.

“Do you like it rough ?”

Roy wanted to vomit and tear this man's tongue off.

Trying to get Vall off of him with no avail, Roy clenched his fists on the ground and gritted his teeth.

Vall chuckled, awaking powerful hatred then terror as he pushed Roy's pants down.

_Please stop. Please, stop. Please-_

Where was this fucking God everyone believed in ? Where was he when he needed him ? Was it his punishment for never believing ? For killing ? For being such powerful weapon to this horrible war ?

Did he deserve this ? Why was it happening to him if not for some sick version of punishment ? There had to be a reason, a reason for this to be happening to him and for no one to be here to help him.

_STOP ! Please._

It hurt so much.

_Not as much as burning flesh._

No please, no. Please, stop.

_You never stop._

Please. Why ? Please, why was it happening to him ? Why him ?

_Why is it happening to them ? Why are you doing this to them ?_

Please!

_You're a monster ! You deserve this. You deserve it !_

It sounded too much like a sob, the noise ripping out of his throat, and pressing his forehead against the ground, Roy bit his lip to blood and hid the shameful tears from his tormentor.

_Stop, please._

“Shh.” Vall's hand buried itself in Roy's black hair in a comforting caress. “Shh, it's okay. It's almost over.” A restrained sob turned into a hiccup and shook Roy's body. “It's okay.” Lips pressed on the back of Roy's neck in such fake display of tenderness.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and shriek and kill.

“You're doing good, boy. You're doing good.” Vall's hand sneaked its way between the ground and Roy's forehead against which it pressed. “Come on, look at me.” Roy resisted, refusing to face the man in such state. “Come on,” Roy was weakening fast, and the hand on his forehead was strong.

Gritting his teeth, he brought his arm to his eyes and rubbed them against the fabric of his coat, trying to erase every trace of his shame and humiliation. He still could feel some wetness under his eyes when Vall managed to turn his head around and exposed his face.

Dirt was stuck to his skin where tears had been.

“Look at me.” Roy didn't want to open his eyes, but he didn't have a choice, Vall had made this clear enough.

The wide smile he was greeted with worsened Roy's humiliation. Behind the warmness, he could see the satisfaction and smugness, and if he hadn't been so exhausted, he would have punched the man.

_Yeah, it helped me so much last time._

Roy could only regret hitting the man last time, though he couldn't think, even now, about what else he could have done at the time.

“You're beautiful.” Roy wanted to look away, but Vall forced him still, keeping his face exposed for his sick pleasure. “It's such a shame you've to make me hurt you so much -though pain looks good on you. I don't enjoy hurting you.”

“Liar.” He didn't mean to say it, why did he even say it ?

Vall froze on his back, his eyes clouding with something more terrifying than anything before.

“Excuse me ?” He gritted out against Roy's ear, his hand on his forehead now clamped in his hair. “I don't think I heard you right boy.”

“Nothing.” He said, gritting his teeth in pain, and Vall pulled on his hair. “Nothing sir.” His face was pinned into the ground as Vall leaned close to his ear, breathing down on his cheek.

“You're calling me a liar, huh Roy ?” He rolled his hips in a particular painful way, sending a jolt of agony up Roy's spine straight to his brain. “What about you then ?” A hand closed around his dick, jerking.

Bile rose up his esophagus as Roy felt himself react.

_Why ? Why why why ? I don't like it. I don't fucking like it !_

“Trying to make me believe you don't like it,” His wrist twisted, adding to the growing, unwanted pleasure hurting so bad. “Why are you turned on then ?”

_I'm not ! I'm fucking not. I don't like it._

“Want me to think you hate it, when in fact you don't ?” His hand moved faster, making Roy gasp silently at the mixed signals his brain got. “Is it why you try to anger me so often ? Because you like it.”

_No ! Oh God no, no no. I don't !_

“You want me to fuck you, so you misbehave.” Vall was grinning like a maniac, and Roy couldn't do anything to block the man's voice out. Every words were like acid, making him hurt and hate himself even more. “You can just ask me, you know.”

A broken cry of pain escaped him at an unexpected violent, painful thrust, and for a second Roy forgot how to breathe. Clawing at the ground, he pulled on his neck, trying to get way from the pain and the man.

“Shut up.” Vall growled at his ear, threatening him without much effort.

Roy bit on his bottom lip, drawing some more blood.

With a hand pressing down on Roy's neck, Vall pulled out and flipped him on his back. Roy sprawled under the man, panting in both exertion and pain, his half opened eyes clouded by unspoken agony. His hair, wet by sweat were sticking to his skin, enhancing the nausea he was fighting against since the beginning of his violation.

 _Just get done with it already._ He couldn't take much more. He just wanted it to stop.

A hand in his hair kept his head still as Vall laid over him, their dicks pressed against each other and jerked off together in the man's fist.

Roy's nausea grew beyond control, making it hard for him to focus on anything but the sick feeling in his stomach and the content of his stomach moving up and down his esophagus.

Vall pumped them to release, all the while breathing disgusting words only for Roy to hear. If the act in itself wasn't disgusting and traumatizing enough, what this man whispered to his ear assured Roy will never be able to close his eyes ever again and not hear this man's voice in his head.

By the time Vall was done, Roy wanted to die. The disgust and horror he had for his own body growing to uncontrollable level he didn't know he would ever be able to handle.

How could someone hate his own skin so much and keep living ? Roy didn't have an answer, and only thinking about tomorrow hurt.

Another day with this agony eating him up from the inside. He didn't want to feel so bad anymore, didn't want to wake up and deal with all these things. These emotions and sensations.

All he wanted was to tear his own skin off to not feel this man on him anymore.

Vall pushed himself up and walked away, disregarding the damaged boy on the ground. Disregarding his pain and his mere existence.

Laying on his back, Roy brought his arms to his face and folded them on his eyes to restrain the burning tears as he swallowed growing sobs. He hated himself for such weakness and bit his lip some more. How more pathetic could he be ? Why was he like this ?

He should be stronger and fight.

Why couldn't he ? What was wrong with him ?

Pushing himself in a sitting position, pain seized his body and made him freeze in place.

How could it hurt so much ?

Breathing in, ever so slowly and deeply, he choked on it and fought against a cough. Forcing himself to inhale again, he was more careful and exhaled faster.

He didn't want to move, but he couldn't stay here either. Pushing himself on his knees, he stared down at the mess that were his clothes and felt sick. His shirt was hanging over his opened pants, some stain he didn't want to think about dirtying the fabric.

He needed to get dress.

His hands shook as he reached for his pants and tried to pull them up to button them back.

How could he let this happen ? Worse, how could he react in such way ? What was wrong with him ? What the fuck was wrong with him ?

_I'm a monster- A freak._

Just like they called him in his back around camp.

Something was wrong with him. Something was really wrong with him, or his body wouldn't have reacted like this.

_They're right, I'm a freak of nature._

A hand on his shoulder made him freeze, and holding his breath, he saw Vall in the corner of his vision walk around him then crouch at eye-level. Roy couldn't bring himself to raise his head, the shame and humiliation weighting too much.

“You're bleeding.” He said, handing him a handkerchief.

Roy blinked at the white square of fabric, his mind going blank.

To such response, Vall's hand moved to his face, and Roy jerked away. The man's free hand clamped in his hair and kept him in place. Roy sucked in a shallow breath and agony took him at the guts for again being trapped by the Colonel, unable to defend himself. In a futile, weak attempt to do something, he shot his hand out and pushed against the man's shoulder, trying to stop Vall from getting any closer. His resistance was easily ignored, and grabbing Roy's wrist, Vall squeezed and leaned close to his lips, capturing them despite Roy's unwillingness.

Vall sucked on the bleeding lip and Roy's tongue. The amount of self-control he used to restrain himself from biting was certainly beyond what he expected himself to have, and as the man kissed him and added to his degradation some more, Roy couldn't help himself wonder why he was letting all this happen.

Why wasn't he fighting ? He was the Flame Alchemist ! He could stop this man, could make him pay, make him hurt. All he needed was his gloves and…

Right, his gloves. Vall had them. He was powerless without them. Nothing more than a kid the man could play with as wanted. Roy hated his weakness and promised himself all this would never happen again. Maybe not in the near future, but he would make sure Vall was the first and last one to hurt him in such way.

The kiss lasted too long, when eventually Vall pulled away and searched Roy's eyes. But he stubbornly kept them closed. Despite the insistent, burning stare, he refused to look at the man and his perversity.

Pulling Roy closer, Vall leaned at his ear, like he loved to do so much it seemed, and brushed his lips against his earlobe. Roy had to fight against another wave of nausea.

“Don't avoid me ever again.” The warning couldn't be clearer, and Roy's desperation enhanced at the thought he didn't have any other choice, from now on, than endure this man's depravity. “Get some rest, tomorrow will be a long day.” He said once up, walking away.

Roy knelt where he was for another moment before mustering the will to move and push himself back on his feet. His legs were wobbly and he didn't trust them to carry his weight for long.

He almost crashed on his cot and laid there for the rest of the night, his back to the man and the blanket over his head -hiding him from the outside world.

Tears weren't long to come, quiet and choking. It was barely if he could breathe without feeling pain.

 

**:::**

 

Weeks and months were made of always more deaths, always more pain and always more assaults from Colonel Vall. With every single one of them, Roy was losing more of himself. By the time the situation got to him and impeded his daily life, the extermination war was at its peak and they couldn't afford losing such powerful Alchemist. Though Roy's unjustifiable fit of rage turning entire districts into nothing more than ashes and several higher ups trying to get some reason through him.

No one never really did anything.

Roy was killing, in mass, and it was all it mattered. That the Ishbalan disappeared to the very last.

He always hated himself after a particular episode of uncontrolled violence on his part. Many couldn't see it, for his job was to burn down everything, but the ones closest to him, knowing him noticed the change. Noticed the overuse of power for a task requiring not so much.

Of course, Roy always answered he couldn't be sure of the needed intensity and so went hard. Maybe too hard, he conceded, but better safe than sorry. The officers were quick to agree with him and let him walk away with a congratulatory pat on the back.

It scared him to think he didn't care about his missions as long as it kept him out of his tent and away from Vall. The Colonel, with the growing accomplishments of his was affected to other squads and given more responsibilities -responsibilities keeping him away from Roy.

Being alone in the tent at night had became a luxury he couldn't get enough of. Every time he was coming back from a mission he caught himself praying Vall wouldn't be here. That one of the privates would tell him the Colonel was with another squad and wouldn't be back before a couple of days.

Roy cherished these days, though when the man was back he always felt so sick and terrified. Vall never missed an opportunity to celebrate -either their reunion or one of Roy's mind blowing performance.

It seemed the Colonel was too prone to force himself on Roy after a particularly deadly mission. The sick bastard loved Roy's fire, and he loved it destructive and grandiose. The fact Roy couldn't help himself overdoing it out of pure rage and hatred didn't help. The guilt and shame washing over him after every attack from the Colonel praising him about his work and accusing him of wanting it was something becoming harder and harder to handle. Mostly when Roy started believing the man. Though he knew he didn't want any of this, at some point, he couldn't help wonder if he really didn't.

Why couldn't he control himself and keep it down on the battlefield if he so didn't want Vall's attention. If what the man did to him was triggered by his skill, then he should be careful with it and not make a show out of most missions.

He couldn't blame the man for wanting him if he was showcasing such power despite knowing the Colonel loved it.

What was he even thinking ? It didn't make any sense, but it was true. It felt true, more and more with every new assault.

If the Colonel loved Roy's flames and in particular their intensity, then the key for keeping the man away was to keep it at its lowest. Which Roy wasn't doing, on the contrary. His Flame Alchemy had never been that powerful (thanks to the philosopher's stone) and Roy had never used it to such extreme before. Though he never had the occasion to, it didn't excuse the fact he wasn't holding back despite knowing the consequences.

_It's my fault. It's all my fault._

 

One night, after a tough mission on the front line -from what Roy heard around camp- Colonel Vall came back to the tent with a bloody uniform and a dark look on his face.

The day had been slow for Roy, just like the past week, and Roy was already on his cot, trying to get some rest. He knew Vall would be back this same night, and he had to prepare himself for the past couple days for it.

The man he found himself alone with wasn't the man he was used to. The mission he was in charge of had been a disaster. Most of his squad was dead, killed by Ishbalans. Vall was lucky to still be alive, though a knife was jabbed in his leg and some kid died in his arms.

Considering the little percentage of survivors, the Colonel was part of the lucky ones.

Roy felt ashamed to be disappointed. His values made him feel guilty for wishing the death of someone, a comrade in arm (even if said comrade was a horrible human being).

Roy never felt like this before, and he didn't like it.

Didn't like to consider death as a solution.

“Sir.” He said, straightening up on the cot at the man's approach.

Something in Vall's eyes terrified him, and for a second he believed he was about to die. To die a slow, horrible death.

“Roy.” He couldn't remember the Colonel sounding so angry before, even after Roy punched him and ran away.

He never sounded so dangerous, and it scared Roy. More than anything he had to endure before.

He was on his feet before he could think about it. His body was aching to get away and find refuge some place far far away from the Colonel. But Roy knew he had no way out of this, and he wasn't looking forward to the outcome.

Can it even be worse ? He knew it was the last thing to say in most situations, but after everything he really couldn't imagine the overall horror being worse.

“Don't, boy. I won't warn you again.” The man's tone was enough for Roy to know he wasn't lying, and frozen in place near the center of the tent, he watched the Colonel walk closer until his presence was engulfing him.

If there was something he hated it was how small he felt before the man. Even tough he was nothing like Armstrong and was more of an average size than anything else. His presence made him seem bigger.

“I dealt with enough shit.” He said, a hand clamping in Roy's hair to keep him close. “I just want to feel good.” Roy swallowed, trying to not be sick and not anger the man any more. “You can do that for me ?”

_NO ! No I fucking can't. I won't, you sick sonofabitch._

“Please, sir.” Roy's voice caught in his throat, the emanating danger making him shiver against his will. “Don't make me,”

Vall's eyes darkened, the murderous gaze he pinned Roy with promising many painful events for this simple plea for mercy.

“You're saying no to me, Roy ?” He said, low and threatening with his hand now clamped under Roy's jaw. Some of the Colonel's fingers jabbed into the flesh of his neck, and on some unbelievable thought Roy worried about them leaving bruises. “Isn't it clear enough to you,” He pulled Roy close, so close that the man would just have to tilt his head to kiss him. “-that I'm in no mood for your shit ?” He glared at Roy and kicked his knee. “Get down and suck me.”

Roy crashed on his knees without a word, his heart hammering in his chest and stomach content already protesting. He had no will to do this disgusting thing, but he couldn't think of any way to avoid any of what the Colonel wanted at the right moment. Not when he looked ready to kill him over the slightest thing.

This night left Roy with a powerful sentiment of shame. He had promised himself he would never become the man's bitch, though he tried to force him to on many occasions. Roy never stopped fighting, even when not physically, he made his disagreement clear. But on this night, Colonel Vall's aura left him terrified for his well-being. He hated himself for being such a coward, and the only thought of this night was enough to make his skin burn in shame and his mind scream in agony.

Because on this night, the Roy Mustang everyone knew was no more. He was reduced to nothing more than a pet for a sick bastard, and no matter how much he hated everything the man asked from him, he still complied, too scared to fight for once.

 

**:::**

 

The day he found himself with his gun in his mouth, Roy was haunted by this night. He couldn't stop thinking about it and was reminded too painfully about his weakness and humiliation. Even now war was over and Colonel Vall was on another side of the country, Roy was still tormented by these nights in the tent, alone with the Colonel, at his mercy.

Maes believed the war had got to him too much, and in a sense it did, but not for the reasons everyone thought. Sure, the horror of war didn't help his depression, but what stuck with him just before he was about to pull the trigger was these many nights he was forced down on his stomach and violated in too many ways.

He thought war would get him killed, until Vall happened. Since the man, it hadn't been a question of if, but how. Over the time spent in Ishabal and with the Colonel, it had appeared clearly to Roy he wouldn't be able to live with himself after everything. No matter how much he wanted to survive and succeed, the man had instilled something vicious in his mind, and once back home, alone in his apartment with nothing but the ghosts of Ishbal -all Roy could think about was ending it.

To never think about it ever again.

 

 

 

**:::**

 

 

 _Present day,_

 

Opening his eyes, the memory lingered in Roy's mind for another moment as he made his way out of his office to the bathroom. It was never easy for him to pull out of these haunting souvenirs, and more than not his mood was affected for the following few days. If his subordinates found him grumpier and meaner than usual, it was often due to these memories. Over the years, Roy had learned to handle them better, and until recently, he wasn't so often subjected to nightmares and flashbacks.

General Vall's arrival at Central City changed everything, and it was barely if Roy could close his eyes without feeling panic bloom in his chest.

Splashing water on his face, he stared at his reflexion and sighed. It was his luck the man had to show up at Central. Last time Roy checked, Major General Vall was still a Commanding Officer in West City -far from Roy. Though on many nights he was kept painfully awake by the thought the man could have make new victims since the war, Roy was still reassured to know the man was nowhere in his direct surroundings.

The memories were enough -he didn't need Vall around to remind him of every nights in the tent.

No matter how Roy tried to think about it, he couldn't remember any special occasion or event that could have brought Vall to Central. Even Maes didn't know of the man's arrival until the General showed up one morning in Roy's office to 'greet his new team'. Saying Roy was stunned in place wasn't a lie, and even now he had a hard time understanding how the man could have become his direct Commanding Officer.

Why out of all people, it had to be this man ? Did the Fuhrer had personal grudges against him ?

Maybe, thought Roy. A lot of people resented him for only being where he was at such young age. He knew that and didn't care. They didn't represent a threat -unlike Vall.

A shiver crossed his body at the thought.

He needed to get it together. Letting the situation get to him wouldn't help, and the last thing he needed was to let his subordinates suspect something. They didn't need to know. Didn't need to start questioning their Colonel's behavior.

Sighing, he passed a hand on his face and tried to relax.

He should have go home, but Fullmetal's last antics didn't leave him much of a choice. The list of public properties destroyed only kept getting longer since the kid was part of the military -and Roy still couldn't understand how Fullmetal did it.

Was it that hard to not destroy everything in his wake ? For sure, the kid could accomplish his missions without collateral damages the State had to pay for. Were was the discretion to cry out loud ? Fullmetal had to be the most exuberant State Alchemist Roy had ever met -and Roy worked closely with Grumman, which said it all.

What was Fullmetal trying to accomplish by destroying everything he could see ? It was beyond Roy.

Maybe he was just doing it out of spite. Like some immature child trying to get on their guardians' nerves for only having authority over them. Roy didn't really believe the kid capable of that, but he wouldn't be surprised either.

Edward made it clear enough he hated his guts, and if it wasn't so amusing he would have been offended.

 

The corridors were quiet at such time of the night, and it depressed Roy only more. How he would love to be in his bed too, instead of Central Command working his ass off on paper works.

Decidedly, he would never loath Fullmetal enough for this surplus of work he had to deal with.

As if he didn't have enough already. Despite the kid's too strong belief, Roy wasn't spending his day sitting around and doing nothing. When he didn't have missions, he had to handle everything else that gave the kid such freedom of movement, and cover, and money. Plus, Fullmetal wasn't the only one he had under his command, and since the kid was part of the team it seemed Roy's daily tiredness had increased.

Sighing for himself, he passed a hand in his hair and turned the door handle, entering his office.

The room was too quiet too. His team was long gone -the lucky bastards. Even Riza had went home, on Roy's order. He didn't need her doing overtime for such little matter.

Unlike everyone's belief, Roy could handle paperwork on his own and get them done on time, when he had to. Roy didn't like to procrastinate on Fullmetal's paperwork. Better get it clean and done as soon as possible to avoid unwanted attention on the kid.

Roy rather get Fullmetal's expense and matters cared for as soon as he had a hold of it. At least, no one was getting the idea of looking closer at the too young alchemist.

“I need another cup.” He mumbled to himself once sitting at his desk, a glare fixed on the empty cup of coffee before him.

Despite the important need for caffeine, Roy was too lazy to move again just yet.

_Maybe later._

He just needed to finish these paperwork and he could go home. Judging by the thickness of the pile, he guessed another hour or so would be enough and sighed at the only thought.

_I just want to sleep -and shower._

Sneaking his fingers between his hair, he reposed his head on his palm and started signing and filling papers.

 

The air was chilly when he stepped out of Central Command, at such outrageous hour that Roy didn't even want to think about it. The needed paperwork related to Fullmetal were done, and it was a little consolation, though not enough to make Roy forget about this damn shower he was craving for and the comfort of his bed he couldn't wait to reunite with.

His body ached, and sitting in his car, Roy groaned and shifted on the seat, trying and failing at finding a better position.

He had sat too long at his desk, and now his body was getting back at him.

 

The confine of his apartment brought the needed comfort for Roy to relax. He didn't know he was so tensed until he was home, the front door locked and the light turned on.

Vall's arrival had really got to him, and he wasn't sure how would be life at Central Command from now on. The man was here for barely two weeks, and over these two weeks Roy was glad he didn't have to interact with the man just yet. Besides the introduction on Vall's first day, he didn't have to encounter the man again, and he could only hope he wouldn't have to.

Not just yet at least. Roy wasn't so naive to believe he had any chance to avoid the man forever. Not when Vall was his direct Commanding Officer.

The clock read twenty past three when Roy stripped from his uniform and headed to the bathroom. It read almost four when he went to bed, straight out of the shower, and he couldn't help groan. It had been a long time since he had showered to such length, and he didn't like the feelings it brought back in him.

Shame. Discomfort. Disgust. Anger.

Roy hadn't had to deal with these emotions in a long time, and he thought he was over them. Over what he had to endure in Ishbal.

Looked like he was wrong. All he needed to be back too close to square one was Vall's re-apparition and one innocent, snarky comment from Fullmetal. The kid couldn't know what effect it would have on the Colonel he loved to annoy so much, and Roy wouldn't dream of letting him know. Fullmetal didn't mean anything bad. He was just trying to get on his nerves, rile him up.

Well, good job kid. A small smirk tugged at Roy's lips, and lying in bed, he stared at the moonlight on his ceiling and breathed in. Fullmetal really didn't mean anything with this comment, but it had gotten to Roy. It had gotten to him too much, and now he was back to these days he used to fight against bad memories and struggle to wake up another day. He could feel the weight in his stomach and the compression in his chest, the anxiety of going back to work haunting him even in his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you liked the story and will leave me a comment. I'll be grateful to hear from you and know you enjoyed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The initial plan was to have two parts to this story. The Ishbal and Present part, but while editing the second part I felt it would work well as a chaptered fic (which was my very first plan before starting this story)  
> I hope you'll be interested and will show me some support. The response to the Ishbal part was encouraging and I hope you'll enjoy what's to come.

The gray cup was put on Roy's desk, and looking up from some paperwork's lines blending together, he offered a small smile to his lieutenant.

“Are you okay, sir ? You look tired.”

He snorted, thinking about the past few days. Fullmetal was gone again on some mission of his, and Roy had to find a cover up for one of his stop. The kid needed military access only a higher rank could get and didn't want anyone questioning his doings. Which was where Roy came into play. Then, he had his report on Fullmetal's activities to hand over to Vall today and he wasn't looking forward to it. It meant too much time spent in Vall's presence. He tried to prepare himself for such inevitable meeting, but failed. His messed up sleep pattern was proof of it.

_I can't believe I'm back to this state._

“I've had a few rough nights, nothing to worry about, lieutenant.”

Her brows lowered as she observed Roy's face, certainly searching the lie in his such words. He was proud and relieved when her features relaxed and she nodded, smiling.

“Don't forget to take care of yourself, sir, you still have work to do.”

He almost smiled but pulled the grumpy card out just in time. He didn't need her to know he was to the point of appreciating paperwork over anything else. If he could just lock himself in his office and not deal with anyone besides his team, he would.

“You've got yourself a new girlfriend, Chief ?” Hawkeye glared at Breda for the comment, and Roy smirked under his hand, signing another paper.

“Don't you have enough already ?” Of course Havoc would complain. He always complained over Roy's supposed long list of conquests.

If only he knew.

_No. No, he couldn't know. No one could._

“Who is it this time, Chief ?” Fuery, in all his innocent curiosity didn't manage to soften Hawkeye's glare. Roy could feel her annoyance growing, and he had to restrain himself from bursting out in laughter.

“You know the new assistant hairdresser ?”

Havoc's eyes bulged out of his head, for Roy's greatest amusement. He hadn't picked her for nothing after all.

“No way !” He snapped, standing up with a slam of his hands on the table. “I'd my eyes on her.”

“Should have got more than that on her.” Breda said, sneering, and behind the glare, Roy swore there was tears of frustration in Havoc's eyes.

“It's too late now, the Chief got her. Just find someone else.” Fuery smiled, mostly out of camaraderie but Roy didn't miss the mischief on his face.

The kid was having fun tormenting Havoc, it seemed. Took him long enough.

“But I wanted _her_.” He said, full of frustrated sadness.

“Enough ! Don't you have anything to do ?” The three men's heads ducked back like frightened little puppies, and Roy almost snorted at the mental image of them whimpering around with their tails between their legs. “And you.” Roy stiffened, swallowing. “Don't think I didn't see you snitch this little note out of your pocket. Keep working, sir.”

Gulping, Roy nodded and pushed the piece of paper back in his pocket. It was an old number, certainly from a flirt, but at the back was scribbled one of his most trusted private detective's number. Fumbling with the paper helped calm him down. It was like holding the most dangerous weapon, able to protect and save him from anything. He wasn't naive to the point of believing this would be enough against Vall, but it helped. It helped a lot. Keeping his composure despite Vall's arrival was draining, and Roy would take anything at the right moment to avoid losing his temper at his team again. The bad day excuse could only work so long and the last thing Roy needed was Riza questioning him about his sudden irascibility. She didn't need to know what was going on, he didn't want her to know.

 

 

 

“Hello, Roy-boy.” Roy almost sighed at Maes' entrance.

“Never learned to knock ?” He said in a grumble, and his friend ignored him royally. Roy groaned again, signing yet another paper.

It seemed his days were spent signing damn papers.

“Guess what I have for you.” Roy didn't know why, but he fel- “Look at her, isn't she beautiful ?” Gosh, Roy wanted to faceplant on his desk for having such great instincts.

_I should have jumped out of the window while I could._

“Maes.” He growled, trying to see the paperwork under the collection of pictures his friend had just scattered on the desk.

_Riza's gonna kill me if she sees this._

“Come on, just take a look at th-”

“Oh, sorry, I knocked but no one answered.”

Roy froze, his breath catching in his chest as sweat pearled on his skin. Maes straightened up, Elysia's picture in hand and brows furrowed. As soon as he recognized the new comer he shifted to attention.

“Oh, Major General, sorry. We didn't hear you.”

Vall smiled, waving a dismissive hand, “It's okay, don't worry.”

Still frozen on his chair, Roy felt the man's eyes drift on him. Felt it fall over him, burning him, and nausea hit him.

Blinking, Maes glanced over his shoulder at his friend and frowned.

“Roy.” He whispered, smiling to the General, and snapped out of it, Roy stood up to attention, without never meeting Vall's gaze.

“What can we do for you, General ?” He asked, though he didn't want an answer.

He just wanted the man out of his office. Away from him.

“Well, I was looking for you.”

If Roy thought he couldn't feel more sick he was wrong. The words hit him square in the stomach and made him pale, as if the man had just announced him someone's horrifying death. Maes may have felt Roy's discomfort, but he was glad he didn't comment on it.

“At ease.” Vall said, as an afterthought, and they obeyed.

Roy's legs were weak, and if it didn't mean being vulnerable before Vall, he would have collapsed on his chair and never moved again. As it presented, he stood rigid, breathing deep and struggling to keep the panic at bay.

“You've a report for me, if I'm not mistaken. And like I was around, I thought I'll come collect it myself.”

Roy nodded absentmindedly.

He couldn't think passed _Vall's in my office. He's in my office. He's in my office._ And for a moment he forgot he wasn't alone with the man.

“You are Colonel Mustang's new Commanding Officer, right ?” Roy remembered how to breathe, thanks to Maes making his presence known.

Another minute and Roy would have started plotting how to make Vall disappear without no one ever finding out.

“Yes, I'm Major General Terrence Vall. And you're Lieutenant-Colonel Hughes.”

“Yes.” He said, smiling. It allowed Roy to take enough calming breaths to be able to think without panicking. “You were in Ishbal, right ? Your name sounds familiar.”

Roy didn't miss the knowing smile on Vall's lips when his gaze flickered over him, and swallowing, he made sure to ignore it.

“Yes. Roy was under my commandment.”

Roy. It had been so long since he heard his name in this man's mouth, and he felt wrong and dirty. Scared and small. Like he used to be in Ishbal, alone with the man in their tent.

“Oh, right, I remember now. You were transferred to West City after the war if I'm not mistaken ?”

“Yes.” He nodded, calculating narrowed eyes taking Maes in. “I've been promoted recently to fill a vacant seat.”

“Yes, I heard about it. Congratulation, General.” Vall relaxed, smiling, and Roy couldn't help breath out in relief.

For a second here, he thought the General was about to jump at Maes' throat for his prying and make Roy pay for it.

“Thank you. Well, I've quite a busy schedule, so if you don't mind Lieutenant-Colonel, I'll like to speak with Mustang before going back to work.”

If Maes had a second of hesitation, Roy was the only one to notice, and nodding, his friend flashed him a weird insisting smile. As if asking silently if everything would be alright. Roy caught himself nodding as confirmation, which was only when Maes started moving.

Saluting Vall, he made his way out and shut the door after him. Roy relaxed, if only a little, when Vall didn't lock it and just stepped to the couch.

“So, how have you been ?” He asked, sitting down and looking over at Roy.

“Good, sir, and you ?” If Roy could take pride in something, it was his professionalism. No matter the situation, he was maintaining it.

“Good, good. It was quite a fit in West City. A lot of issues to take care of, a lot of young recruits to train.” Roy couldn't help stiffen at the hidden message, and for a second he had to recenter on himself and not lose before this growing panic. “I didn't have a day I was bored, and you ? I heard you recruited one of the youngest, smartest State Alchemist of the century.” Vall's grin made Roy's skin crawl. “Must feel great, to know you've contributed to such finding.”

“Yes, it's quite rewarding. Fullmetal has great potential, he'll go far.”

“I'm sure he will.” He smiled to Roy and put an arm over the couch's back. “I'm sure your report will help me understand the boy better.”

He nodded, taking a file from his desk before walking to the other couch on which he sat down. The most distance he would keep between them the better it would be. Sliding the file over the table to Vall, he leaned in the couch, legs crossed, chin high and hands on his knee.

Vall sent him a glance, and Roy made sure to ignore it.

_Just get over with it already._

Vall took a moment to look through the file and read some pages. Seconds seemed to stretch into minutes, and for an instant Roy believed he would lose it and kick the man out of his office. It was only a thought, a desire, and as tempting as it felt, he quickly reined it in. There was no room for such visceral reaction, and he would be damn before he would let it happen.

“So, the kid's in the south right now.”

“Yes. He's traveling a lot for personal research between missions.”

Vall shut the file and crossed his hands over it. Roy swallowed as the man's eyes rose to him, staring straight through his skull.

“I heard you made a request to the Molecular Research Department for Fullmetal. May I ask why ? What is he looking for on his personal time ?”

“This isn't a matter I can discuss with you, sir. Not that I don't want to, but Fullmetal's researches aren't anywhere close to my expertise. It'll be hard for me to convey their meaning and depth.”

Though Vall's stare could have bore a hole through Roy's head, the man didn't make a comment and nodded, accepting the answer.

“Very well. I guess I'll have to talk to him next time he's around then.”

Roy tensed up, the saliva in his mouth drying at once as a pounding settled at the front of his head.

“I'll make sure to let him know when he comes by.” Vall smiled, and Roy needed all his willpower to not avert his gaze.

“Good.” He nodded, staring at Roy for one stretching uncomfortable moment, and Roy had to restrain himself from asking what he wanted. “Are you that rude to all your superiors, Mustang ?”

Taken aback, he blinked once, twice, then frowned and tilted his head on the side.

“Excuse me ?”

Vall chuckled, waving a lazy hand. “Well, you didn't offer me a drink.”

He was appalled at the realization, and drawing in a breath he hoped didn't make much noise, he grinned back at the man and uncrossed his legs.

“Ah, yeah. Excuse my lack of manners, I've been really busy lately.” He stood up, seizing the opportunity to get away from Vall's insistent gaze. “Do you want something ?”

“Tea will be nice.”

Fuck it. He didn't want to spend any more time around the man, and if Vall had just asked for some alcohol Roy would have been able to provide it without ringing his secretary and waiting for her to make the hot beverage. Every seconds he spent in his office, alone with a man he wished to never see face to face ever again, were similar to a vice clenching around his body and making his heart beat too hard.

Roy didn't know what he did to deserve that, though the little voice in his head was always quick to remind him of his every sins.

Karma was such a bitch.

“You made it quite far, didn't you ?” Roy would do without Vall's conversation, but it seemed the man couldn't sit around without talking.

It was nothing new, but Roy still hoped he wouldn't have to humor the man more than was necessary.

Walking to the window, he sent a glance at Vall then looked outside.

“Colonel.” Vall clacked his tongue, walking around the office. “Who did you fuck for that ?” He laughed, as if the joke didn't mean anything more than that.

Roy's shoulders stiffened, the world outside the window shrinking as a clamp tightened in his chest. Standing with his back to the man, hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on the court outside his office window, Roy tasted rage and felt sweat pool on his skin.

_How dare he…?_

Roy's secretary's arrival saved him from an answer, or even a stretch on the topic. Her smile looked uncertain when she handed Roy's cup, and offering a charming one in return, his pride swell at the flush on her face. No matter what, he always loved the effect he had on women.

“Hey, looks like you know how to get your way around here.”

Closing his eyes, Roy inhaled deep and slow at Vall's taunting jab. He was just trying to get under his skin, and he wouldn't let him. Never again.

“Did you fuck her ?” Roy's breath hitched and for a beat nothing happened. Then Vall laughed. The General's booming laughter broke through the haze around Roy's mind and forced him back in the room with the man. “I'm sure you did. You've quite the reputation.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Roy drew in a deep breath and forced under tight control every emotions racketing inside him.

“Sir, I'm sorry, but I have work to do.”

“I haven't even finished my tea.” A cup was put down, certainly on Roy's desk judging by the closeness of the noise, and still standing at the window Roy tensed up and forced himself to look over at the General.

He remembered at the second their gaze met why he didn't want to look at the man in the eyes. As soon as they connected, Roy was sucked into Vall's twisted game and couldn't tear himself away from the memories assaulting him at once.

It was like he was back in the tent, under the man, hurt and helpless.

“I missed you.” The words came from too close, and sucking in a breath, Roy felt his world crumble around him at the realization Vall was leaning over him, standing right before him.

_He's taller than me. He always was-_

He didn't know what to do. He didn't dare move. Didn't dare speak. Didn't dare breathe. Didn't dare do anything but stand there, eyes shining with horror and shaky hands balled into tight fists.

A knock on the door broke the moment, and at the first sound of Riza's voice, Roy spun around to face the window, crossed an arm over his middle, reposed his other elbow on and put his chin on his hand. Vall stepped away, if only a little for the situation to not look suspicious.

“Sir, it's already two o'clock...” She stopped short in her steps, getting to attention for the General. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

“It's okay.” Roy smiled, turning around to face her -his composure back in place. “We were done.” He ignored Vall and nodded to his lieutenant, as if to make sure she wouldn't move nor go anywhere. “You really didn't have to bother yourself and come here, sir, I would have bring you the report myself.” He stepped away, then went straight to Riza's side, trying to ignore this fear nibbling his insides at the only thought of being alone in Vall's office.

He hoped Riza didn't notice the rigidity in his movements or the nervous tick on his face. 

“Hey, I told you, I was around.” Of course he would play along and keep the amiable mask on. It was how he had everyone fooled in Ishbal. “But I appreciate your diligence. I'll make sure to have some tea ready when you'll come around.”

Roy's nod was stiff, but the smile on, and excusing himself a last time he was relieved when the man eventually left.

If Riza noticed anything odd about Roy, she didn't give it anything more than some furrowed brows.

“I was coming to take you for lunch, sir, it's getting late.”

“Oh, yeah, thank you lieutenant. But I have a date, so you can go. I'll see you later.” She nodded, though her gaze remained a moment longer on him, then saluted and left.

Sighing, he shut the door after her, clicked the lock in and leaned his forehead against the wood.

Fuck, he couldn't do that. Not again. Not never. He didn't have the strength to deal with this all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, tell me what you think. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, guys, I wasn't expecting such response on last chapter, you are awesome ! Thank you so much <3  
> I wanted to update sooner in return but was too tired and had to wait for a day off. But here it is now and I hope you'll enjoy it. And I just realized I only have one more chapter written so please, forgive me in advance for later delay in the updates. This period of year gets more busy at work so I don't have as much time to write. But I'll try my best. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and supporting!

“Yo, Colonel bastard.” Kicking the door open (had the kid never leaned about door handles?) Fullmetal stomped inside Roy's office and plumped on a couch. Arms stretched over the back in a comfortable posture.

Mustang couldn't hide a smile and was quick to turn it into a smirk.

“Hello, Fullmetal. It's been a while.” He signed another paper and sighed inwardly.

He had been signing papers all day long, and he was dying for a break. Glancing up at the kid, Roy presumed he just found a good reason to get one.

Mustang smiled.

“Save your bullshit, here's your report.”

With a raised brow, Roy looked up at the handed papers. It was thick enough to be passable, but considering Fullmetal was gone for a month, and he got reports of several incidents, it looked a little thin.

“Is that all, Fullemtal ?”

Edward startled, his features tightening in frustration.

“You haven't even take it yet.” Roy had to fight a smirk.

“It looks a little poor.” He swore a vein popped on the kid's forehead.

Roy made a mental note to go a little easier on him. He wouldn't want a fifteen years old dying of an aneurism. Riza wouldn't let him live through it.

“It's my report.” He slammed it on Roy's desk with a total disregard for the Colonel's paperwork attempting a courageous escape. “Have fun.”

“A minute, Fullmetal.”

Edward froze, his fists clenching and shoulders tensing. Roy could almost see the frown on his face and was greeted with it when Fullmetal turned around.

“What ?”

“May I have a word with you ?”

“Why are you even making it a question ? I won't be outta here before you allow me to.” Roy had to grin at that.

“Please, sit down.”

Grumbling, Edward did as told.

“Where's Alphonse ?” He asked, making his way to the opposite couch.

“At the hotel. He said he'd get the luggage there while I handle all the boring procedure.”

Roy smiled, crossing his legs and hands on his knee.

“And I'm sure you brought no modification to your brother's words.”

As answer, Edward huffed and turned his head away, glaring at some spot in the distance. Roy had to restrain himself from laughing in the kid's face. What with these childish reactions, it was just too easy, and Riza had scolded him enough for having fun at the boy's expense.

“Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Major General Vall.”

Ed's attention was picked, and rising an eyebrow, he hummed and said, “What about him ?”

“Well, after your last stop here, he showed great interest in you.”

Roy had to control the growing distress in his chest at the look on Edward's face. He knew the boy wasn't afraid of anything Roy was, but his mind associated it to that and he had to keep calm.

“Why ?”

“Well, you're the Fullmetal Alchemist. Your reputation precede you.” Ed's jaw clenched, his eyes darkening.

“What does he want ? Did he ask anything about us ?”

“He wanted to know about your research at the Molecular Research Department in the south. I told him he would have to discuss it with you if he wanted answers.”

Ed nodded, and if he looked a little blank Roy didn't comment on it.

“Should I worry ?”

Roy's inward voice screamed _YES_. Painful memories crashed against his ribcage, winding him. And for a second he worried about freaking out before the kid. It was the last person around which he wanted to have a breakdown.

“I can handle it, if you want. I'm your direct Commanding Officer.” Roy knew by experience if Vall wanted a face to face with Fullmetal there was nothing he could do to prevent it, but he didn't want to burden the kid with such matter. Not when he had so much to deal with already.

“What does he want to know ?” He asked, a little curious and uncertain.

“What you're working on. He read your file, so he knows what's your specialty. But he's not an alchemist, so you won't have to get yourself into deep explanations. But-”

“My researches at the department look a little suspicious.” Roy nodded, licking his lips in a nervous tick.

“Yes. I already thought about some explanations, if you want to hear me out.” Ed nodded, his hands now joined between his knees. “Tucker was your teacher at some point, and he worked with chimeras.” Roy didn't miss the shiver crossing Ed's body. “It's no secret you were particularly affected by the tragedy in the Tucker's household, and again, it can't be a secret you vowed to prevent similar horrors from happening.”

Edward picked on Roy's train of thoughts and said, “So I started researching molecular alchemy, to help other victims.”

Roy nodded.

“You just want to help. Though your researches aren't going really far just yet. You're still in the preliminary stage.”

“And I may or may never come up with any results.”

Again, Roy nodded, and Edward smiled.

“It's fine with me.”

Mustang smirked.

“Good. Because my next explanation would have been about you desperately looking for a way to grow taller through alchemy.”

Ed's reaction didn't disappoint, and if the boy's death threats and self inflicted jokes attracted attention, Roy would deny he was having so much fun that he couldn't hide a proud grin.

“Sir, stop tormenting Fullmetal.” Was Riza's warning, and shutting up, Edward sent a pitiful look to Roy's lieutenant before glaring at the Colonel.

“I didn't do anything.” He defended, hands up and most innocent smile in place.

Nor Riza or Edward bought it, but it didn't hurt to try.

“Go back to work, sir.”

Gosh, the break was too short liven, and Roy wanted to cry for his lieutenant's mercy. The look in her eyes killed any complains he could have had on the tip of his tongue and got him back on his chair with his tail between his legs.

Roy made sure to ignore the smug smirk on Edward's face and quickly dismissed him. Though the kid took his sweet time to go, for Roy's growing annoyance.

 

*****

 

Roy braced himself for he knew what was to come. If Vall left him alone since their last meeting, with Fullmetal back around he would have to report to the man, and he wasn't looking forward to it. And he was even less looking forward to a private discussion between Vall and Edward.

He didn't want to succumb to paranoia, but he couldn't stop the images from filling his mind. He remembered about Ishbal, the tent, the pain, the humiliation -but the worst was to imagine Edward in his place.

Oh God, no. It was the most horrifying thing he could think about.

Fullmetal, at the mercy of a sick pervert. The kid endured enough in his young life to have to deal with something like that. He was just a boy, a child. Roy wanted to persuade himself Vall wasn't that twisted, but he knew better. Knew with a man like Vall there was no guarantee.

It didn't stop Roy from finding some reassurance in the fact Edward was younger than he was at the time, and so with a big maybe, he was safe. If not, Roy would assure himself he was. He wouldn't forgive himself if anything had to happen to the boy under his watch. He had been powerless enough like that by the past, and if protecting Edward was the last thing he did in his life, he wouldn't hesitate.

No one deserved what Vall could do.

_You didn't deserve it either._

It was a little voice he had failed to believe, even to this day, and Roy wasn't sure why it was still echoing at the back of his mind. No matter how much he knew it was right, that rationally it was right -it just didn't feel like it to him, and up to now he couldn't bring himself to wash away this feeling of guilt off his skin.

Because it was his fault. If he had-

Roy closed his eyes, refusing to start on this road again. He did so enough by the past, did so again when drunk, and he was tired of it. Tired of flagellating himself and blaming himself. No matter how much he deserved it, he was just exhausted by it.

 Knocking, he waited at the door and inhaled deeply, fortifying his barriers and securing his mask.

“Come in.”

Roy opened the door, and stepped inside the room.

Vall glanced up, then double checked and smiled, recognizing his visitor.

“Oh, Mustang, please come on in. Take a seat.” He offered, gathering the papers on his desk and putting them away to stand up.

Roy had to fight a flinch and the sudden urge to run.

Instead, he smiled, shutting the door after him and tightening his grip on the file in his hand.

“I've Fullmetal's report, sir.” He said, stepping to the desk and forcing at bay the growing panic at the sight of Vall standing beside it. Waiting for him.

Roy put the report on the desk, and took a step back.

“Well,” He just had to take his leave now, and go back to his office.

“Take a seat, Mustang, let me get you some tea.”

“I'm fine, sir, thank you.” But Vall was already ringing his secretary and challenging Roy with a look to say something about it.

“Thank you, Marina.” Vall hung up. “The tea will be there promptly.” Roy nodded numbly, trying to figure a way out of here. He didn't come up with anything that wouldn't look or sound rude and disrespecting.

So he sighed inwardly and settled on enduring the moment. It wouldn't be so long. Riza wouldn't let him off paperwork duty for too long, and he couldn't believe he looked forward to going back to such boring task.

_Anything but dealing with Vall._

“Come on,” Roy froze, the hand on his shoulder weighting too much and almost making him crumble to the floor. “Take a seat, Mustang.” Vall chuckled good-naturedly, pressuring Roy to step to a chair and sit down.

For a second, he was back in Ishbal, unable to fight back the man, too weak and vulnerable to.

Roy sat down, resisting just collapsing on the seat, and bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for Vall's hand to get off his shoulder.

Vall patted Roy's back, smiling, and sat on the angle of his desk. Taking a position of power and superiority over him. Roy didn't like it one bit and had to restrain himself from gulping and running away.

He hoped he wouldn't start sweating.

“So, did you talk to Fullmetal ?”

Roy needed a second too long to wire back his brain and understand what Vall was talking about.

“Yes, sir. He'll be at Central for a few days, he'll come see you soon.”

Vall nodded, smiling and never averting his gaze from Roy.

“Good, good.”

If Roy stared a little too much before him and avoided looking at the man he hoped it didn't betray him. Though he knew better. Knew how observant Vall could be, and on this thought, he forced himself to shift on the chair to face the man more.

“I'm looking forward to meeting him. I heard a lot about him.”

Roy had to stop himself from smiling as many images of the kid's tantrums and fits flashed through his mind -and for all it mattered, he was reassured to know Edward had too much fight in him to ever find himself in a similar situation as him. As much as it stung to admit again how weak he had been back then, he relaxed a little knowing he didn't have to worry that much about Fullmetal.

_Won't stop me from keeping a close eye on him, but still._

A knock on the door announced the arrival of their tea, and Roy breathed out in relief as Vall stood up and met his secretary mid-way to relieve her of the drinks.

“Thank you, Marina. You're an angel.”

Roy cringed inwardly and felt sick in his stomach at such sweet facade.

How could anyone be fooled ? It was beyond Roy, but he was quick to remember how he felt about Vall before everything, and how nice he was to everyone else. Nice but firm. People liked that about him, they liked his skillful leadership and liked his sociable personality.

Roy was reminded how stupid he had been to ever think highly of Vall. It made him sick to only remember it, and he caught himself praying too often people would stop looking up to him and see who he really was. See what a monster he was.

“Here you go.”

So deep in thought, Roy almost flinched at the sudden cup appearing under his nose, and stiffening, he breathed in and forced himself to relax.

“Thank you, sir.” If the smile hurt, he made sure it didn't show on his face.

For a moment, he just held the cup of tea in his lap, listening to the tick of the clock and feeling his insides churn. It made him nauseous, and he wondered how he would even drink this tea. The only thought of it made his stomach content attempt an escape from the wrong way.

“So, how Fullmetal's mission went ?” Vall shifted on the desk and smiled at Roy, putting his cup beside him.

“It went alright, sir. Some minor incidents occurred, but nothing important. You'll find all the details in the report.”

Vall scoffed through his nose, boring his gaze through Roy.

“You like the kid, don't you ?”

He wasn't sure where this question came from, and it panicked him for an instant too long. It wasn't like Vall was the first one to point out such fact, though Roy was trying to keep his feelings well hidden, the ones knowing him the most could see through him and knew. He didn't care, he trusted them and he found reassurance in the fact they could figure him so well. It made things easier to have such tight bond on a team, and it helped for missions.

Coming from Vall, though, it horrified him and made him want to throw up.

Not only he didn't want the man to think anything about his relationship with Fullmetal, but he was terrified to make the boy a target if Vall considered him his weakness.

“I respect him. He's a brilliant Alchemist.”

“That's what I got from all your reports. He's good. Really good.”

Roy's palms got sweaty and his breath hitched.

“He likes to play with things, turning them into something else.” Roy swallowed and focused on his heartbeat, willing it to calm down. “I saw the pictures of some of his 'battlefield', and boy,” He laughed, hands crossed over his lap. “Does he have a talent for making a mess. He likes destruction.”

“He's a littler reckless.” He said, and Vall laughed.

“Yeah, reckless. Or you've been too lenient with him.”

Roy stiffened, remembering all the people telling him the exact same thing. None of them never made him feel so threatened and scared. He didn't mind them even.

“He's your responsibility.”

“Yes.”

“You're no stranger to the budget his missions require. What with his tendency to reshape every street he fights in.” Vall chuckled, as if he wasn't making Roy nervous and wasn't questioning his position as Fullmetal's Commanding Officer.

He couldn't bear the idea of Ed getting under Vall's Command.

Roy sipped on the cooling tea, trying to relax his throat and moisten his mouth.

He almost choked on the beverage.

“He does his job. He did more than some ever did in all their career, so I'm inclined to ignore some of his methods in regards to the results.”

“Of course you are.”

Vall stood, walking closer, and Roy held his breath. The instinctive reaction left him on edge, and for the following minute all he tried to do was remember how not to panic.

Vall stopped behind Roy's chair and leaned against it, his arm folded on the back's edge. The presence was too overwhelming, and Roy could feel the man too close to him.

“You really like the kid.” He said like a secret, leaning in Roy's space. “Do you fuck him ?”

It was like a blow, and jumping on his feet, Roy whipped around to face the General -fists clenched tight and teeth gritted.

“I should go, sir, I have work to do.”

Smirking, Vall straightened up, stepping around the chair to stand right before Roy. The man didn't stop until he was standing nose to nose, and Roy regretted not leaving when he had the chance.

“What is it -did I touch a sore spot ?” He chuckled lowly, smiling like a shark. “Is it true ?”

Roy's gaze hardened until bullets could have shot through his eyes, and breathing in, he clenched his fists harder.

“Don't mistaken me for you, sir.” He tried to relax his jaw, the tension becoming painful. “I'll never do something like that.”

Vall's lips curled in an annoying, amused grin.

“Like what ?” He took the last step separating them, and out of reflex Roy backed away, but the desk trapped him in place.

_Oh God!_

It was like Ishbal all over again. He was back in the tent, at the man's mercy, with no way out. He could even feel the itch of sand on his skin, taste death on his tongue, hear fire shots in the distance.

His shallow breath was resonating in Roy's ears, and he realized he had lowered his gaze only when Vall leaned in his face and said, “Have you been thinking about me all these years ?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, keep in mind I sucked big time in Chemistry or whatever it is in school and still suck at it. So if anything I said made your eyes widen in shock and jaw drop I sincerely apology and will gladly take any knowledge you have. If you have no idea why I'm saying that and didn't notice anything wrong, please, keep that up. It's just in case I wrote something really stupid and some of you notice, haha.
> 
> Another thing, anything implied by Roy's thinking is in no way facts. This is his how he thinks and feels about what happened to him. If some are wondering what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the part he thought about Fullmetal and the fact he has too much fight in him to be a victim. 
> 
> Alright, thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed.  
> Please, let me know what you think =)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll never thank you enough for the support you show to this story <3 You are amazing!
> 
> I have a good news and a "bad" news :
> 
> The good news is I managed to write (a lot) during my days off (like I said I wanted to do);
> 
> The "bad" news is I didn't write on anything I was supposed to. I just started a new story in another fandom and I'm kinda obsessed with it for now. In three days I already wrote 20k+ words (you can see how inspired and excited I'm about it) and my interest still has yet to dissipate. 
> 
> So yeah, all that to say I'm sorry this chapter is the last one I have written and you may have to wait for an update (I'm so sorry, please bear with me). With work I couldn't write and now I do again and feel so excited about I don't want to lose the feeling by forcing myself to write on a story I can't focus on.  
> I'm not giving up on this story, just letting you know there might have some delay before next update. 
> 
> That said, please enjoy this chapter and don't run away as if your life depended on it. I will update, but not just yet.  
> Thank you for reading and I hope you'll understand.

“ _Have you been thinking about me all these years ?”_

Roy wanted to cry, but his eyes were as dry as the desert. A ball in his throat swell, and for a moment he was the twenty-three years old boy too scared to stand for himself.

“I know I have.” Vall's hand closed around Roy's fist. “I missed you.”

Roy tried to swallow, but he was frozen in place, stuck in a place he thought he would never go back to. Terror grabbing his insides and twisting until it hurt.

_I've to get out. I've to get out !_

“There was no one like you since Ishbal.” Vall let a frustrated noise out. “You've no idea how crazy it drove me. Nobody was like you, nobody could kill like you. You're unique, Roy, aren't you ?” He said, tilting his head, grinning.

Vall's other hand moved to Roy's neck, clamping down and startling him. He could hear himself gasp, though he didn't feel the reaction. It was like he was watching from afar, from a safe distance doing nothing against the fear and helplessness.

The man leaning closer snapped Roy out of it, and ducking, he tried to push Vall away, but the man pressed harder against him, killing the reaction before it could be of any help. A hand clenched on the collar of his jacket and pulled, Vall's weight shoving against him enough to destabilize him and allow the man to pin him on the desk.

Roy felt himself fly, before his back met the hard surface of Vall's desk. Air evaded him at once, and gasping, his eyes widened then squeezed shut. Tightening his grip around Roy's wrist, Vall grabbed his other free one and slammed his arm down on the desk.

Feeling the man shift and force his way between his legs was the last straw, and Roy panicked.

He was back in Ishbal. It was exactly like back in Ishbal. With Vall doing as wanted with him and Roy failing at fighting back.

_Get off me !_

He pressed his heel against the desk's edge, but the position wasn't helping, and he could get little leverage. All he managed was to buck his hips up against Vall and make the bastard smirk.

Roy froze.

Vall leaned over him, breathing down his face.

“I missed this.” He said, the look in his eyes almost demented.

Roy's breath grew sharper and heavier. His chest clamping tight and mind going wild.

“Get off me.” He said through gritted teeth, the severity of his words doing nothing to Vall besides amuse him.

“Or what ? You don't have your gloves -which let me tell you surprised me a little. You became careless with years.”

Roy trembled, trying to control the mixed fear and rage pulsating inside him and threatening to make him snap.

“I've no reason to wear them around HQ.” He regretted his words at the smile stretching Vall's lips. It meant so much that Roy felt the dirtiness thicken on his skin.

“Really ? Are you trying to tell me you forgot everything about me ?”

Roy wanted to vomit, and breathing in, he waited to have enough control back before glaring at the man.

“More than unbelievable it's insulting, boy.” Roy froze at the word, the familiar pet name something he hadn't heard in years.

Only Maes and Madam Christmas called him Roy-boy, but it sounded nothing like Vall's.

“I thought I made an impact on you.”

“You deserve to die.” He didn't mean to say it, but now it was out he could only deal with it.

Vall chuckled, his expression darkening and gaze glinting in some worrying way.

“That's not very nice.”

“I should have killed you in Ishbal.”

“Certainly. But you didn't.” He smirked, wicked and mocking. “You're too much of a pussy to try anything.”

Roy felt his face heat up, the rage boiling up his stomach making him burn from the inside out.

“You were my Commanding Officer -I _trusted_ you.” And God it hurt to admit it.

Roy's eyes stung. He blinked.

The look on Vall's face could be called compassionate, though to Roy it only added to this boiling feeling deep inside him.

“You were so naive. So innocent in your magnificence. Such deadly weapon so easily manipulated -it was intoxicating.” Vall's eyes closed as he drew in a deep breath, and Roy shivered. “I couldn't get enough of you. Of this control I had over you.” His smile turned manic. “It was like having power over _God_. Can you imagine that ? Imagine how it feels ?”

Roy wasn't sure what scared him the most. This man's clear insanity or what he was planning to do to him next.

“Let me go.” He was strangely calm, and it got a raised brow and surprised expression out of Vall.

“Oh oh, did you grow a pair while I was gone ?”

Roy wanted to scream when a hand clamped over his groin and squeezed. Instead, he gritted his teeth and tried to kick the man then twist away from him.

“Nah,” Roy was pulled off the desk and span around too fast for him to do anything against it. “You're still powerless against me.” Roy huffed when Vall shoved him down against the desk, weighting against his back and twisting his arm behind him.

The desk's edge jabbed into Roy's stomach, and more than ever he was on the verge of throwing up.

_I should have come here before lunch._

It was easy to lose it in front of panic, but despite everything, Roy was not the boy he used to be, and he was more experienced, had better reflexes. And his rage was eating him up from the inside out.

Vall couldn't hold him in place when he elbowed him in the ribs and freed himself. Spinning away and panting for breath.

It was close.

“Hey, looks like you learned a few things since Ishbal.” He said, holding his side, leaning against the desk and still grinning like the asshole Roy knew he was.

“I'll advise you to stay away from me ,sir, or I'll have to kill you.”

Vall laughed, even if the serious look on Roy's face killed some of his amusement.

“You won't do that.”

“You don't know me anymore, sir. I don't mind killing if I have to.”

Vall studied Roy's expression, and grinned.

“I bet.” He said lowly. “But what about Fullmetal ? Don't you care about him ?”

Roy was on Vall before any of them could blink, and grabbing his collar, he pressed the man against the desk and attempted to maintain some of his calm.

Vall glanced down at the now gloved hand, and lost some of his superb. It helped calming Roy down a little.

“Don't you dare threaten him or even touch him. You've no business with him, he's my responsibility and if you want anything from him you go by me. I won't let you hurt him.”

“I guessed so.” Vall scoffed. “How far will you go to protect him ?”

Roy had enough, and pushing against Vall's throat more, he murdered him with his only gaze.

“Don't even try this, sir. I'm not the scared ignorant boy you used to abuse anymore. You have nothing against me. You can't threaten me, and if you touch a single hair on Fullmetal's head, I will destroy your life and kill you myself.”

For all it mattered, Vall seemed to lose some colors, and if the lack of oxygen played any role Roy was sure to deny it.

Glaring another moment at Vall, he shoved him against the desk and stepped away, shaking inwardly but overly proud and satisfied of himself.

He should have done that years ago. Before anything could happen.

“I could get you court-martial for that.”

“Could you now ?” He asked, turning around lazily. “On what charges ?”

“Attacking a superior officer.”

Roy grinned, his expression almost condescending.

“I'll like to see you try, with these marks you left around my wrists. I'm sure it'll be fun to explain how you attacked me. I have connections, Vall. And friends. You'll have to try harder if you want to threaten me.” He sighed, glancing at his watch. “Great, Hawkeye won't get off my back now. I'm late.”

“You think you're the only one with connections here.” Vall wasn't the kind man in control anymore, and his anger resonate in his every words. “I'm a General !”

“Yes you are, but you were relegated to the West for the past seven years.” Roy faced the man again, smirking. “I heard the rumors about you. Looks like your little hobby didn't pass as unnoticed as you would've liked. No matter how terrified you think kids are, there'll always be people to talk. Ones who'll wonder what their superior does in his office with young recruits, every weeks, at the always same time.” Roy snickered, seizing Vall. “I didn't take you for a routine kind of man, but I guess everyone has their secrets.”

Vall couldn't look more murderous, and if Roy hadn't been standing so far with his gloves, he would have shake in his boots.

“Have a good day, sir.”

 

“Hey, Mustang.” Roy must have been deep in thoughts to miss Fullmetal. The corridor wasn't crowded, they were one of the three people there actually, and he still managed to not see the red coat boy walking in his direction.

“Oh, Fullmetal. I didn't see you.” Okay, he didn't mean to poke at the kid's sore spots, he was just being honest, but he couldn't deny the look on his face was fun. “What are you doing here ?”

Grumbling some more under his breath, Edward shoved his hands in his pants' pockets and glared up at the Colonel.

“I've got a message from General Vall. He wants to see me, about, you know.” Roy had to fight against a roll of his eyes.

As if the kid needed to be so evasive. It was cute, though he wouldn't say so out loud. Not as long as he cherished his life.

“Oh, yeah, about that.” Ed's ears piqued up. “It's okay, I handled it. You can go back to whatever you were doing.”

“Really ?”

“Yeah.” Roy smiled.

“Oh, that's, great. Thanks.” If the thanks came out a little more grumpy, Roy didn't comment. “I'll go back to Al then. We'll be working at the library all day long.”

Roy couldn't let it pass, and grinning, he checked his watch.

“It's fifteen past two, Fullmetal. I think a good part of the day is already gone.”

Edward mimed him, grumbling and rolling his eyes.

“Unlike you, old man. Me and my brother can stay up passed midnight, thank you very much.”

Ed was proud of his return, and Roy almost felt bad for saying, “Yeah, like any other teenage kids unable to maintain a sleep schedule. It's okay, you'll grow out of it.” Smirking, Roy tried his best to hold back a laugh. “Have a good day, Fullmetal.”

He heard something similar to 'this fucking bastard' on his way back to his office, and waiting to be far away enough, Roy laughed.

The kid was really something.

*****

Fist clenching and shaking, Terrence sat at his desk, a murderous glare directed at a spot on the floor. His jaw muscles flexed as he gritted his teeth and tried to rein in the anger making his insides boil.

_How dares he… this little fucker._

No one before defied him like Mustang. No one before dared to disrespect him, _threaten_ him. Terrence wouldn't let that slide. He wouldn't let this little bastard get away so easy and think he had him trapped.

Roy thought he had connections and power- Vall would prove him he wasn't the only one, despite what he was believing.

Two could play this game, and Vall would take real pleasure watching Mustang fall from his pedestal. The little fucker needed to remember his place. He needed to remember who was really in charge. Roy was allowed for too long to think he was the big shot. His ascension had gotten to his head, and Terrence would make sure to remind him when he was involved, he had no control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So~ long time no see, eh ? Almost a year... You've no idea how appalled I am at such fact. I SWEAR I never planned to just disappear and lose my inspiration. It just happened in a snap of a finger and I was certainly more frustrated than you (if any of the old readers are still here!) and can't express how sorry I am. I just didn't feel like forcing myself and giving you crappy updates just for the sake of updating. This fic has been in my mind this whole time and I hope to get back to it, as for now I only have ONE chapter to give you.  
> Please don't hate me!
> 
> I've a quite busy schedule and don't have much time to write for now. I don't want you to get false hopes for more updates in the near future. I just said I would update and hesitated a long time before posting this one, lonely chapter in fear to frustrate readers more than anything else. But I've this chapter sleeping on my hardrive and I guess giving it to you is better than not. 
> 
> If any of you are reading my other story (on hiatus too) Creeping Monster Of Tchozo, this one may see an update too. I realized I had the next chapter all along but just wasn't sure about it and wanted to let some time pass to then edit it, but then I guess I just... forgot or never found the time or inspiration to do anything more with it. 
> 
> One of the things that tend to blocks me while writing this story is the FMA original timeline. I realized Roy being transfered to Central didn't happen before Maes' death when I was trying to stick as close as possible to the canon. I decided I would just go with my own timeline (this fic is partly AU, after all). I'm just saying that in case some of you noticed the wrong timeline or anything else. I'll focus more on certain plot points and main events instead. It makes it easier for me and this fic. 
> 
> Anyway, you're not here for the excuses and apologies, so I'll just repeat one thing, in case some just skipped the AN :
> 
> This is only a ONE CHAPTER update (for now) and I have no idea when another one will be ready. I'm sorry if it annoys and frustrates you but I'm trying to ease myself back into my On-Hold stories here and it's a slow process. So, please, bear with me. 
> 
> On a side note, I haven't re-watched FMA over this year so I hope I still have a good enough handle on the characters. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience, you've no idea how flattered and happy I was and still am by your interest and reaction to this story! You are the best!
> 
> So, let's get to what everyone's here for, the chapter. 
> 
> Refer yourself to Chapter 1 for the warnings, they more or less apply throughout the story.

Roy stormed out of his office under Ed’s confused frown. Glancing at Hughes, he exchanged silent interrogations and groaned.

“What the hell is going on with Colonel Grumpy now ?” He slouched on the couch and crossed his feet on the low table. “This is a little excessive, even for him.”

Looking at the wide open door from which Roy had disappeared, Maes contemplated over the past few minutes. It wasn’t the first time Roy lost it at someone. Maes had years of experience behind him to testify of that. He knew how to ignore Roy’s usual somber attitude, but even to him his friend’s reaction was confusing.

He’d seen Roy reprimand and pick at Fullmetal before. Seen him have a little too much fun at the kid’s expanse, but losing it at him for the coffee stain on the front page of his report, it was just uncalled for.

“What crawled up your ass ? I said it was an accident. Why do you make it such a big deal ? It’s just a coffee stain.” Ed had yelled back, because Ed always yelled when Roy was involved. Maes couldn’t remember listening on any normal conversation between the two, and he guessed the day it would occur it would mean something bad had happened.

“Just a coffee-” Even from afar Maes had seen how red Roy’s face had turned, the seconds preceding the explosion that followed not enough for him to prepare himself for it. “Just a coffee stain ? It’s not just a coffee stain, Fullmetal !” He’d snapped, standing up so fast that even Ed had recoiled back and stared in shock. “It’s you. You… you’re always so careless. Nothing seems to matter to you. You just go your merry way as if the world was yours. I won’t always be there to cover for you. You need to grow up and think before you act.” That was when Fullmetal had lost it too.

Maes couldn’t blame the kid. In his young years, he’d seen more than most grown ups in Central. It was understandable such accusations stung, and if Maes hadn’t been so concerned about Roy, he would have held it against him. But his friend hadn’t been himself lately. Maes wasn’t sure when it all started, but he would say a few weeks ago. He hadn’t bothered investigating just yet (for what, Roy was just stressed and taking it out on people- nothing really knew). But this, this wasn’t normal and it triggered a few alarms in Maes’ head.

He couldn’t recall everything that was screamed in the enclosure of Roy’s office, but the bottom line seemed to be Edward needed to watch his coffee and Roy to get the stick out of his ass. Or that was what Maes took from this ridiculous argument that shouldn’t even have happened.

“I don’t know. He’s been dealing with a lot lately. His new commanding officer is going through his old files and picking at every inconsistencies.” He looked at Ed. “He’s just stressed. Nothing personal, you know that.” He said with a small smile, and the grunt he got in return eased some of the tension from Maes’ shoulders.

It was the best he would get from Fullmetal. As hurt and annoyed as he could be because of Roy, he knew too well what having people sneaking into Roy’s business meant. Knew if anyone looked well enough, they would dig up things they’d been working hard to keep hidden.

“Doesn’t give him the right to question my fashion choices.” Ed said, his way to move on the previous argument. “Did he look at himself Mister-I-only-wear-uniforms-even-in-the-shower.” Maes chuckled. “This coat is great.”

“It’s a little red.” Maes said, gaining a snort from Ed. “But it looks good on you.”

An amused smile was tugging at Ed’s lips when Roy came back, still as wired as ever, and rushed past Edward.

“Feet off my table, Fullmetal.” He snapped, smacking the boots with such strength that Edward’s soles hit the floor in a resounding thud. “And you,” Maes stood straighter and decided against talking. “Don’t you have anything to do ? You’re always here bugging me. Don’t you have responsibilities.” The smile on Maes’ lips was gentle and compassionate, despite Roy’s jab. He knew his friend enough to know it was just his way to erect barriers between whatever was tormenting him and the rest of the world. He just wanted people away to keep from them his problems.

Maes also knew it was no time to discuss it. Roy was in no mindset to talk.

“Aye,” He said with his usual joviality. “I’ll see you around, buddy.” He patted Ed’s shoulder. “Follow me, Fullmetal ?” He sounded cheerful, but his eyes said another story, and it was enough to get past the kid’s burning anger and avoid another fight.

With a sigh, Ed got up the couch and left the room.

Stopping at the door, Maes turned to Roy and observed his tensed friend sitting there at the desk. The clenched fists were enough in themselves to testify of Roy’s emotional state, but the tight lines on his face and the darkness in his eyes confirmed nothing usual was going on, and as he left the room and closed the door after him, Maes lost his smile and headed back to work.

 

*****

 

Standing at the sink in Central’s bathroom, Roy sighed and clenched at the porcelain harder. Water dripping from his face, he tried to concentrate on the cool sensation on his skin instead of this burning rage eating him up from the inside out.

_I can’t do this anymore. I won’t handle it much longer._

Vall had been breathing down his neck since this frightening encounter in his office. If shocked enough to give Roy two short week of respite, the man was quick to come back at the assault. Not in the strict term of the word, but Roy wasn’t even sure it was better.

It wasn’t like Vall should find anything on Fullmetal and his brother (Roy had made sure of that) but having the man harassing him for answers he wouldn’t give and nosing in the kid’s business was getting to him. He was getting short on excuses, and he hated to only think of the last meeting in Vall's office. It wasn’t like he didn’t have an answer this time (he always had one) but he’d barely been able to sleep more than two hours a night (when he actually slept) in the past few weeks and his brain was getting slow. The pause he made was already too much, and for waiting on a mistake on his part, Vall was quick to pick up on it.

This look in the man’s eyes said it all, and when he left Vall’s office all Roy could think about was how much he wanted to throw up.

_I messed up. I can’t mess up- I can’t freaking mess up._

If he did, Vall would pound. Roy wasn’t as afraid about what could happen to him, but what would become of the Elrics if Vall ever got whiff of what was hiding behind this genius and armor.

_I can’t let that happen. I have to pull it together._

It was easier said than done. As long as he wouldn’t get proper sleep and some peace of mind, he would keep messing up. Would keep giving Vall munition against him and Fullmetal.

_It can’t happen. I won’t let it happen._

Wiping a gloved hand down his face, Roy stared at the moistened white fabric and sighed.

_Now I need to pick my spare pair of gloves in my office._

He’d planned to leave Central as unnoticed as possible, but he couldn’t wander around without his gloves. Couldn’t feel at ease without them.

_Riza won’t let me sneak out if she sees me._

He still had paper works. Paper works Vall had pulled out of his ass it seemed just to annoy him. In the pretense of remaking some incomplete or vague reports a decade old, Vall had started a Cleaning Operation, like he called it. His way to justify digging in everything Roy was ever involved in and adding to his already humongous charge of work.

It wasn’t out of pickiness he’d started snapping at his team and Fullmetal. He always had a rigor to himself and his work, but never to this extend. But Vall would pick on anything, even a coffee stain on a paper. He would request it be remade from start to finish, even if only one page was stained. Everyone around Vall just believed the new General was strict and picky, but Roy knew better. Knew it was only to make his life a living hell.

_He can’t touch me, so he overworks me._

Roy would love to say it wouldn’t get to him. That Vall wouldn’t break him with all this bullshit he was pulling on him. But the truth was it was affecting him. It wasn’t much the amount of work, but the amount of time he had to spend in Vall’s presence knowing the man was just fucking with him for the fun of it. The asshole enjoyed the torment he was inflicting, Roy saw it more than once, and it always left him with this sick feeling at the pit of his stomach.

_I’ve to find a way to make this stop._

Vall didn’t have a never ending supply of reports and files to update. At some point, he wouldn’t have anything left for Roy to rewrite and rework on.

_He’ll find something else._

And Roy hated to admit it scared him.

 

Making his way inside his office, he ignored everyone despite the looks, grabbed one of his spare pair of gloves in his desk and turned back on his heels.

“Sir, you have paper work.”

“Not now, Lieutenant.” He mumbled, struggling to see straight past the dryness of his eyes.

“Colonel-”

“I said, not now !” And fuck he’d snapped again in front of his team.

_And at Riza, nonetheless. I never yell at her._

Proof was the stunned expression on her face and stillness in the room.

“I’m sorry,” He said quick after, voice a little too vulnerable for his liking. “I just need some air, Lieutenant. I’ll be back before noon.” And with that, he resumed his way, ignored every confused and shocked looks and slammed the door after him.

_Fuck, I didn’t mean to._

He really needed to calm down or he wasn’t sure what would be the next thing to get out of his control.

The only thought of snapping at someone by mistake made him shiver in horror, and only because the possibility sounded too probable, he put his gloves in his pocket and kept a hand on them.

 

*****

 

It wasn’t like he was doing anything wrong. He was just looking into some files he had access to thanks to his rank and job.

“Something’s really wrong with this guy.” He said to himself and pushed his glasses back up his nose. “Grew up in a small town on the outskirt of Central. Father reported to be a deserter, mother absent due to work. One older sister who’s married and living in the North.” She had to be one hell of a woman to live up there with her husband. “Mother never remarried despite the disappearance of her husband.” She was still living in the same house and same town, he noted.

_She’s to be a lonely woman. I wonder if he ever visits her._

He made note to check on it.

_All information are good to take._

Mostly with a guy like that.

Maes wasn’t too happy with what he’d found so far. Somehow, the missing pieces were more worrying than the present ones.

There was these single pieces of paper, supposed reports from Cadets in West city (where Vall was stationed after the war), about misplaced conduct from a superior officer. It didn’t give a name, didn’t even give a rank, but there was one too many to be an isolate incident.

Maes had four single piece of papers with no names or real information besides the ‘misplaced conduct’ bit. Even that was vague, and Maes’ curiosity was picked enough for him to dig. Ignoring his growing concern was hard, but if he wanted to get this done right, he had to focus on his investigation and nothing else.

Checking his pocket watch, he pursed his lips in contrariety and resolved himself to fold back everything.

It was late. He had to go home. Gracia was the most amazing and patient woman on this earth, but even her wouldn’t appreciate to have him come home in the late hours of the night.

Putting everything in his desk, he locked the drawer and put the key around his neck and under his jacket. He’d went through enough trouble to get these files, he wouldn’t lose them now.

Head full with information as strange and worrisome as the other, he left Central with a chill coursing down his spine. Glancing over his shoulder, his gaze traveled up the imposing building of HQ and stopped at the night skyline. Squinting, Maes pulled his glasses back up his nose, frowned, and resumed his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! And thank you for all the comments, I may not have time to answer to all of them, but I appreciate them all!


End file.
